freudz wet dream

I Can Only Assume...

2009-05-12T07:40:00.001-07:00

that because Freudz has not answered my email, nor posted on this blog, that she has found Christ, and is now a nun doing the Lord's work in some small 3rd world country.

God bless, Freudz. :)
Keep up the good work...

Three Female Suicide Bombers Kill 32.......

2008-07-30T16:08:00.001-07:00

......leaving more oxygen for the rest of us.

Non Stop Ass Rape

2008-06-14T15:16:00.001-07:00

Stephen Harper’s Tory cabinet stated last week that they were going to fine $500 for those who are caught downloading music. No doubt the and movie industry has gone bankrupt because of such pirating, and are now looking for employment elsewhere. The actors and musicians as well are feeling the pinch due to all those naughty people pirating their work. Madonna was so consumed with this that she employed a staff of morons to sabotage downloaders. The problem that I see is that Madonna should be grateful to have enough tone deaf people alive in the world that should so much as desire to even waste the bandwidth to download her shit much less make her a millionaire.

I downloaded Pink Floyd Animals this week, and I suddenly found myself imagining the strange twist of irony should I be found out by our fearless bible-thumping Prime Minister and I started doing some math.

In 1979 I purchased the Pink Floyd Animals LP at 10.99 plus applicable taxes to play it on my $350.00 plus applicable taxes stereo system, in 1982, they no longer made stylists for my stereo so I was forced to buy a $735.00 plus applicable taxes to continue enjoying Animals, then in 1984, they stopped making stylists for that as well, so I was forced to purchase a cassette of Pink Floyd Animals at $12.99 plus applicable taxes as well as a contraption to play it on, the total on that being $250.00 plus applicable taxes. Due to lack of Government control regulations on car audio players, I was forced to purchase a second Pink Floyd Animals cassette in 1985 because the piece of shit player in my car ate the first one, and then again in 1998, because it happened again. At last, I was forced to purchase the Pink Floyd Animals CD at $19.99 plus applicable taxes because the format changed again as well as a new stereo system to play it on, not to mention the $180.00 I spent on the special edition Pink Floyd Box Set.

Stephen Harper can shove his fine up his conservative ass, but no doubt it’s tighter than a vacuum. I have paid $249.95 plus applicable taxes on Pink Floyd Animals in and of itself alone, not mention the thousands of dollars I’ve thrown away for the devices to play it.

But Stephen Harper has to find some way to finance Natives to live off the back of Canadians so this is probably his Ace in the hole. No doubt Roger Waters and the boys don’t think I owe than anything, because let’s face it, they probably have private Islands somewhere in the Pacific. And the government has made more than enough money on me, fleecing me for 15% taxes on all purchases made. Harper is cordially invited to fuck himself.

Oh yes, Freudz wrote a book

2008-06-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

You just gotta love a guy who knows how to make millions off of the world's most stupid people.

2008-05-21T16:05:00.004-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lvU-DislkI

You wouldn't think that selecting a satirical Benny Hinn video would be harder than Chinese math, but sadly, the serious ones are a bigger parody than the irreverent ones. The most frightening part of all of this is all the people at these revivals are allowed to vote and drive cars.

Atlas Shrugged, no doubt.

2008-05-03T10:38:00.001-07:00

It recently came to my attention that Ayn Rand’s masterpiece will be made into a movie this year. Philosophy in the hands of Hollywood will mean that by Christmas, people will be wearing “I am John Galt” T-shirts and “This is John Galt speaking” bumper stickers. It will mean that the intellectually bankrupt will be mildly and unwittingly armed with a philosophy simply because they thought it was going to be something like Mr and Mrs Smith. At this stage of the game, I am not even able to banter with anyone as to how Rand’s intent is even going to transcend itself onto a big screen, because there’s such a shortage of people who’ve even read her books even though I was first made to read when I was 16 by my English teacher and read it 4 times since.

The ideology of embracing objectivism and rejecting altruism will be lost in the small minds of the general public who would have never tackled 1100 pages of Rand’s vision. I don’t adopt all of Rand’s philosophy but I agree with most of what she had to say. Hers was an eclectic combination of Aristotle, Nietzsche, Spinoza just to name a few, dismantling the lion’s share of the government, with police, military and justice still in tact. The conservatives are going to dislike this movie, and the liberals are going to loathe it. She makes Nietzsche’s Zarathustra look weak and impotent….so what’s left to say but…. Who is John Galt?

Vagina: Clown Car? You decide.

2007-11-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

The significant drop in the infant mortality rate, along with modern man’s abandonment of agriculture to move into urban lifestyle has without question snuffed out the need for people to breed indiscriminately. There is virtually no reason for anyone today to have a little platoon of children in the 21st century.

This is one of the key reasons that when I stumble onto fundies who’s primary function in life to be baby machines, I add to it the endless list of annoying traits of Christians. Quiver full believes that they need to squeeze out as many babies as humanly possible until their uterus collapses or their sperm dries up. The internet is populated with dozens of websites with smiling happy parents of 9 – 20 kids posing for photos in clothing that pre dates the Cambrian explosion because the youngest has to wear something that has been worn by 17 older brothers or sisters. In almost all cases it is instantly apparent that regardless of the number of children, there is strong evidence by their appearance that the gene pool they’ve been wading in has been drained generations ago.

My pedantic nature leads me to wonder as to what contingency plans are made if any, in the event that something happens to the primary money earner or care giver. No doubt they soothe themselves in the notion that a ubiquitous god will provide in such a situation. It’s called the God will provide plan or more commonly refered to as plan B.
At any rate, the god in this situation usually comes in the guise of taxpayers money.

The worst part about Quiver full is their affiliated brethren that goes by the name of Blessed Arrows. This cult takes donations to pay for reversals of tubaligation and vasectomies for the unfortunate poor who can’t afford to pay for the procedures themselves. When I first learned about this group, I thought it was a satirical site. These morons are dead serious. Anyone is allowed to donate their money to pay for poor people to reverse their procedures so they will be able to spawn again because we all know how utterly brilliant it is to have poor people produce lots of kids.

In light of this growing sect of I am currently accepting donations for my new ministry called “Stop Fundies at the Cervix” Unlike Blessed Arrows, I give receipts for income tax purposes. Please give generously and visit my website at www.sterilizeallfundies.com.

Pay no attention to the little Christian Republican who took over my blog in my absence.

2007-11-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

I have returned to my post.

Just Once.

2006-08-16T08:14:00.000-07:00

I never use the f-word on my blog.
But I can use it here whenever I want.

Sometimes you just have to say, "What the fuck".

Heh.
That was fuckin' sweet.

And yes, I'm still conservative.

I want Freudz to come back as much as y'all.
But, you know how flighty Canadians are.

Ya think maybe she found Jesus?

Yeah, me neither, but you never know...

2006-03-16T06:14:00.000-08:00

The wait is over...

William S. Burroughs meets RICO Predicates

2006-03-16T05:56:00.000-08:00

The ancient Egyptians postulated 7 souls.
Top soul, and the first to leave at the moment of death, is Ren, the Secret Name. This corresponds to my Director. He directs the film of your life from conception to death. The Secret Name is the title of your film. When you die, that's where Ren came in.

Second soul, and second one off the sinking ship, is Sekem: Energy, Power, Light. The Director gives the orders, Sekem presses the right buttons. Number 3 is Khu, the Guardian Angel. He, she, or it is third man out ... depicted as flying away across a full moon, a bird with luminous wings and head of light. Sort of thing you might see on a screen in an Indian restaurant in Panama. The Khu is responsible for the subject and can be injured in his defense -- but not permanently, since the first three souls are eternal. They go back to Heaven for another vessel.

The 4 remaining souls must take their chances with the subject in the Land of the Dead. Number 4 is Ba, the Heart, often treacherous. This is a hawk's body with your face on it, shrunk down to the size of a fist. Many a hero has been brought down, like Samson, by a perfidious Ba.Number 5 is Ka, the Double, most closely associated with the subject. The Ka, which usually reaches adolescence at the time of bodily death, is the only reliable guide through the Land of the Dead to the Western Lands. Number 6 is Khaibit, the Shadow, Memory, your whole past conditioning from this and other lives.

Number 7 is Sekhu, the Remains.

Canada to UK

2006-03-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

All responses to UK have been undeliverable.

2006-02-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

Recent studies show that men with small penises always find a way to over compensate.

2006-02-14T13:32:00.000-08:00

The Most Common Mistake Hunters Can Make

Be Vewy Vewy Quiet…. I’m hunting Wawyers

2006-02-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

The above images show astounding proof as to how someone from the Bush administration could make such a common mistake in judgment. On the left is an image of a 5 ounce quail and on the right is Harry Wittington in the days when he had two shoulders. From the two photos I have amalgamated above, it is almost impossible to tell them apart especially at the reported distance of 30 yards. One could easily see how anyone (not just a republican) could confuse the two and also fall victim of mistaking their identity.

At the time “Mr Cheney was carrying a valid out of state hunting license but had neglected to purchase the required stamp for upland game, according to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department”. It appears that he also neglected to acquire the stamp mandatory for hunting upland attorneys (or a simple varmint license for shooting non-litigious republicans) . This mild mishap could have unfavorable repercussions for Cheney as it is against the law in Texas to hunt attorneys out of season or without the $7 stamp.

Cheney has been described as an experience hunter, and while I believe that only a novice or intermediate hunter could confuse a quail for a human being I need to remind myself that perhaps Texas quail is much larger than the Canadian Quail I am used to seeing on my plate.

What I find most disarming is the insensitivity of the general public (especially the naughty Democrats) who have now do nothing but demonstrate this perpetual level of irreverence regarding this entire matter, yet they themselves would probably turn down the quail/lawyer identification test if they were asked to take one. On the other hand, anyone asking a quail to draw up legal papers or have them defend them in court would just be asking for trouble.

As I am a strong supporter of Americans shooting each other, I feel that Cheney has conducted himself with the utmost of nationalism and grandeur. If we could only get Cheney to invite Bush out for a weekend of Moose Hunting our troubles would be well behind us.

In The Name Of All That Is Pussy

2006-02-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

I find it only fitting to raise a glass to the Muslim community for scoring a point, yet again, for Atheists everywhere. In the wake of the ‘cartoon riots’, I can’t remember being more entertained by any fundamentalist group as I have been these last couple of weeks. This, so far, has been a skeptic’s wet dream with endless fodder to warm our hearts.

As funny as the cartoons were, the reaction of Muslims has been all that much more amusing, and the central irony is that the reactions of the Muslim community solidifies the very point that the cartoons in question made. This is a level of irony that even Sophocles couldn’t aspire to when writing Oedipus.

The world is to pretend that that innocent people don’t get bombed in order that some intellectually bankrupt Muslim may have copious amounts of virgin pussy in heaven. The Quran is quite clear and repetitious when making promises to those who destroy infidels.

Quran: (78:31-32): “As for the righteous, they surely triumph. Their gardens and vineyards and high-bosomed (pointed breast) virgins for companions, truly overflowing cup”
Quran-(55:70-77): “ In each there shall be virgins chaste and fair….dark eyed virgins sheltered in their tents whom neither man or Jinn have touched before
Quran: (37:40-48): …they will sit with bashful, dark-eyed virgins, as chaste as the sheltered eggs of ostriches.
Quran-(78: 33-34) The houris are ever-young full-breasted maidens of equal age having swelling bosoms, and a full cup of wine.”
It begins to get fuzzy at this point as to whether we’re discussing heaven or a Nonce Brothel.

The exact number of virgins received in heaven is not clear in the Quran but rather it can be found in Tirmzi, volume 2 page 138: “Every man who enters paradise shall be given 72 houris (ummm virgins for the infidels out there), no matter at what age he had died, when he is admitted into paradise, he will become a thirty-year-old (so still pretty shitty in bed), and shall not age any further. A man in paradise shall be given virility equal to that of one hundred men.”

I would think that a man’s idea of heaven (especially if he had the virility equal to one hundred men) would be 72 ‘thousand dollar a night hookers’ who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose rather than a platoon of women who just lay there and shriek as their hymen is getting ripped apart, but the delicate and profound tastes of middle easterners are not my school of training.

Any country making apologies to the Muslim community should be ashamed of themselves. All they have done is set a precedence of walking on eggshells where this dogma is concerned. And while Christians have taken their turn at the irreverence towards Muslims over this truly comedic chapter in world events, I believe it wise that they should try at all costs to keep their weapon sheathed as their beliefs are no less inane and preposterous. The infidels are having their day in the sun.

2006-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

The time is nigh to fall in love with Fontina cheese spread generously over danish crackers

Man Without a God, is Like a Fish Without a Bicycle

2006-02-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

...shit. It's pretty hard to embellish that.

Freudz Tales of Mystery and Imagination

2006-01-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

Once upon a Liberal riding, while I vote the one I’m siding
Over many a quaint and curious scandals of financial lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my hallway door.
" Jehovah Witness," I muttered, "tapping at my hallway door;
Only this and nothing more

Ah, distinctly, my detection, t'was the time for new election,
And each separate dying Grit wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my tax return of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Trudeau,.
For the dead and stiff PM, whom the angels call Treudea.,
Nameless here forever more.

And the clumsy sad incumbent, push agendas too repugnant
bored me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the rising of my tax bracket without reprising
'Tis some shelter I may swelter, that I may no more adore,
Some late tax break, now entreating entrance at my accountant’s door.
This it is and nothing more.

Presently my soul grew weaker; for fear secular times grow bleaker,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was thinking, while you gently thrust your dick in,
to the country I love dearly, that I have been calling home,
That I thought I heard your bible, carving laws so old and tribal, putting freedom in it it’s tomb
darkness there, you little gnome.

Deep into the darkness peering, at the gay laws, now we’re fearing
Doubting, that they’ll miss the cleaver, of Harpers fundamental fever ;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the spoken word Trudeau
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,
"Trudeau who" and nothing more

"Harper!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, you are a weasel!
Please don’t fuck with legislations that have been fought and won before,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this northern land enchanted--
On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Will you leave this greatest nation, secular to avoid damnation tell me--tell me I implore!"
Quoth Steve Harper, "Nevermore."

2006-01-27T05:48:00.000-08:00

Passion

Neutering your Dogma.

2006-01-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

In the history of designing gods, I have never quite understood why the masses have always opted for a god which required servitude. As well, of all gods created, studies have shown 90% of mankind tend to lean towards inventing gods who insist on monogamy only to him. Cheating on him with another god is cause for swift justice. Islams and Christians created similar gods with several variations but Christians foolishly omitted the much coveted reward of 70 virgins in heaven. And while Christians show unfair favouritism towards virgins in the bible, their not stipulating the need for virgins in the afterlife indicates that they prefer a girl who can fuck as opposed to one who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

While many of the past designs of god are understandable such as , Shinto, Tao, Norse and even Santeria-Macumba, the creation of the God of Abraham is by far one of the greatest examples of what to avoid when creating a god. Bearing in mind that this particular god was created during the bronze age, where knowledge and rationality were virtually unheard of. For instruction and sound guidance for future creation of gods, observing the major shortfalls listed below will ensure that your god will not suffer the same inconveniences which the Christian god has fallen under:

- Never create a god who is jealous and insecure with himself. (ei: stay away from the temptation to have your god ask you to kill your kids to prove you’re crazy about him etc etc)

- Never create a god who does not know the basic principles of quantum physics, carbon dating, nuclear fission, or biology (Christians made this huge error when creating their god and have not been able to live this down, learn from their mistake)

- Never create a god who does not like sea-food (I don’t get it either)

- Never create a homophobic god (make sure the god you create is completely comfortable and secure with his sexuality)

- Never create a god who forgets what he wrote in the last chapter of his book and continuously contradicts himself (by avoiding this design flaw, you will run less risk of confusing people causing them to continuously second guess themselves and will increase the chances that your god can survive cross examination)

- Never create a god who should be charged for being AWOL (This will reduce the number of sceptics and nay-sayers sabotaging the integrity of your god)

- Never create a god who has women issues and a mother complex (unless of course you have women issues and mother complexes of your own)

- Never create a god who chooses to have his only kid splattered to save mankind. ( A simple way of avoiding this would be to have your god’s son beat Pharisees at a quick game of poker or an arm wrestle for the salvation of mankind. Remember to avoid all Drama queen tactics)

- Try and choose a god who when charging Moses to clear out cities and kill everything in his path, will not show favouritisms toward virgin girls in order for the boys in his holy platoon to just rape them afterwards anyway. (When ever possible, try to create a god who shows little or no favouritism to virgins. Although this seems difficult if not impossible it is a good practice to get into and will offer viable uses for women who have been deflowered and can possibly make the missionary position a thing of the past)

- Never create a god who has a jones for sacrifices ( The largest downfall of sacrifices is that they are impracticable and costly to carry out without creating either blood stains which are virtually impossible to remove from carpets and stone alters and are the major cause of temple fires)

- Never create a god that would attract undesirables like Adolf Hitler and people from any southern state. (it’s that whole guilty by association thing that could cause people to judge your god unfairly)

- Never create a blood thirsty god (The best way to understand how important this point is, is to actually refer to the holy bible to see what an incredible asshole you can create by making him enjoy violence)

- Never create a god who opposes masturbation (I don’t think this one needs too much explanation)

- Do promise a life ever after (This has been one selling feature that seems to work time and time again by many dogmas. Your god should provide a transient but pleasurable life on earth lasting on average of about 60 – 80 years as a preamble to their “real” life in an firmament of your choosing)

The above points should provide to you a good foundation in the design of your god. Be aware always that the competition on the god market is tough and many don’t survive. It must be said that when creating a god, it is an impossible undertaking to attract everyone, so select your real estate carefully and use some of the past gods that didn’t make it as they can offer some fundamental ideas to work frpm. The basic principles in the god creating industry is always this: When an individual finally understands why he dismisses all the hundreds of other possible gods on this earth, it is only then that he will understand why you dismiss his.

2006-01-23T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dear readers, this is our new prime minister, I'm going to curl up in the fetal position and wait until he's gone. Someone wake me up when it's over

2006-01-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

Things the FDA Never Talks About

Jesus Built My Hotrod

2006-01-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

It saddens me at times as to how shock resistant I have become in my old age. Perhaps it’s just that the world has become a highly predictable place where we can run wagers on things and be confidently called upon to bring us a high success rate of winning. Like when you see an extremely obese woman in sweat pants walking down the street, it almost always becomes a game of trying to guess how many mulatto children are trailing her and calling her mama or trying to guess at approximately what time a Watch Tower clutching Jehovah Witness is going to knock on your door on a Saturday morning. But when epitomizing a probability there is none more bankable than a Jesus Saves bumper sticker on the back of a rusty, piece of shit car. The Jesus Saves bumper sticker and piece of shit car theory has been ranked highest in the world, outweighing that of Pavlov’s dog and drool.

By using massively large-scale molecular dynamics simulations, physics show that
hyperelasticity, which stems from atoms interacting according to the laws of quantum mechanics actually preclude a Jesus Saves bumper stickers to adhere to Jaguars, Mercedes, or anything that looks like it can make it to the next block without burning at least two litres of oil.

It is now, without question that the salvation of mankind on the whole is greatly dependant a two toned 1973 primer Impala with duct tape holding the remains of what used to be the passenger side windows in place and 1/3 of it’s squared mass corroded to the point of resembling brown Victorian lace.

It is perplexing in today’s society to witness how much Jesus actually sucks at saving people. It would not be unreasonable for anyone to ask the question on whether he would possibly be better suited to another line of work, something clearly within the realms of his limitations. Each time I see anyone saved by Jesus, I feel eternally grateful that the guy has lost my phone number as I could never handle a life of misery and squalor. It is for this reason that I have become a devout Frisbeterian which is a sect in where we believe that when we die, our souls go up on the roof, and you can’t get it back down.

By observing physical anomalies in the Jesus Saves bumper sticker theory, we are able to conclude that anyone who has a profound aversion to Christianity, will one day, ultimately have their right hand grasping the smooth gear shift of a Dodge Viper SRT/10.

People for the Exploitive Torment of Advancement

2006-01-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

Officials have indicated that the medical term ‘waste of skin’ is a medical expression used to elucidate the existence of members of PETA. In studying the habits and rituals of these creatures, scientists have revealed that ‘waste of skin’ (WOS) was the only term they could come up with which best describes this tribe of hypocrites and alarmists.

While PETA militantly protests animal testing, Mary Beth Sweetland, director of PETA, is herself a diabetic who uses insulin derived from livestock pancreas every day in order to sustain life, not to mention that her insulin is the direct result of animal testing. I suppose the English language needs to find a new word defining that level of hypocrisy but to date, scholars can only suggest to use any adjectives in front of the word hypocrite until it elevates it to the level to best describes Mary Beth.

She isn’t the only PETA member reaping the harvest of animal testing as any medication or medical procedure used today required a great deal of animal testing in order for it to exist. We can pretend that no member of member PETA has taken any medication of any sort or had any medical procedure carried out on them or their loved ones, but who the hell are we kidding?

The irony of all this is that due to the success of animal testing, 50% of PETA members would have died long ago from any number of nasty diseases, so that’s ultimately where science has failed mankind at large. Instead, PETA is able to enjoy the opulence of modern day science in one breath, and indefatigably protest and sabotage it in another.

What a lot of people don’t understand about the field of science and medical development is that in order to find cures for diseases, healthy specimens are needed and must be subjected to the disease in order to monitor the development of that disease. To use sick people to find cures doesn’t cut it, and the number of healthy humans volunteering to being pumped full diseases from Polio to AIDs has been lacking as of late. My suggestion of replacing the lab rodents with PETA members in order to further science has not been addressed by either PETA or the scientific community thus far.

One of the most disturbing exploits PETA raised was in February 2003, when they ran a campaign, called “Holocaust on your Plate” where they showed photos of Holocaust victims about to be gassed next to a pen full of pigs along with approximately 60 similar comparisons. I can’t even find the words to express how callous and repellent the very concept of that is, making PETA no better than the Nazis themselves who compared Jews to pigs during the reign of the Third Reich. Irony upon irony upon irony circles PETA like buzzards circle a cadaver.

While I like animals as much as the next person, I am intelligent enough to understand where I am in the pecking order in relation to animals.
Humans are omnivores by their very makeup, and if members of PETA wish to survive on alfalfa sprouts and okra, I raise a glass to them and toast their health. Torching labs, sabotaging science, and stirring violence against others is
PETAs hallmark, as these morons have no interest in humanity outside of their own.

2005-12-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

"And He Saw That It Was Lucrative"

Quaking the Quaker State

2005-12-28T10:18:00.000-08:00

US District Judge John Jones concluded in a 139 page decision that Intelligent Design is not Science. Welcome to the 21st Century ladies and Gentlemen, where the earth is no longer flat and witches do not weigh the same as a duck.

In 2004, people of Pennsylvania wanted to maintain an alternative theory to Charles Darwin’s solid and universally accepted theory that evolution develops through natural selection. They are however not giving up without a fight and have debased themselves by arguing that evolution cannot fully explain the existence of complex life forms. So complex are these life forms that in their view they could only exist by a deity breathing life into a clump of dirt and tearing a rib out of a man’s chest to make a mate. This explanation is by far more plausible than the physical existence of intermediate life forms found in the earth’s crust showing the genetic change of billions of creatures throughout millions of years.

Pennsylvania will soon find the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy stricken from the school curriculum in the very near future as well, but change takes time and the citizens are not yet ready to endure another blow to their belief system.

2005-12-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

Well, theres really nothing more to add this

2005-12-23T14:42:00.000-08:00

Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet - Having an average weekend - sigh

2005-12-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

Spinoza makes you stupid

Call Now, The Prayer Lines Are Open

2005-12-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

100 Huntley Street was pleading with it’s viewers today to vote conservative for the upcoming election. The woman was explaining how the liberals made gay marriages possible and decriminalized marijuana. Her co-host began to say how the liberals were going to legalize prostitution and Canada was to become a cesspool of sin resembling Sodom and Gomorra. Run! The END IS NEAR.

This obsession of bible thumper’s Anti-Gay Marriage is beginning to get tedious. Why don’t they try and concentrate on other parts of the bible instead of “the killing gay’s” portion. You’d think they’d try and go after all the shellfish eaters or Sabbath breakers that god finds equally appalling. There’s a lot more of them than gays so they can run their lynch mob 24 and 7.

Since the passing of Bill C-38, Canada has witnessed nothing but gay men fucking on the streets, fucking in subway cars, gay men trying to lure 8 year olds into their communist cars, gay men fucking in hot air balloons, gay men doing, I don’t want to know, on the steps of the church, gay men, gay men, gay men, GAY MEN. It seems to be all we see now is gay men fucking anywhere and everywhere. While at the mall yesterday, my son and I almost stepped on two gay men having sex outside of EB Games. So now, no doubt, my son is going to be gay. And maybe I’m going to be gay as well because I think I didn’t hold my breath when I passed them. Fucking great.

For those naughty Canadians considering on voting for the Grits, 100 Huntley “opened the prayer lines” for them. You have no idea how reassuring it is to know that for $29.95 you can get a cure for what ever ails you at 100 Huntley street. That’s actually a pretty good price for the salvation of your soul. Benny Hinn is much more expensive and Jehovah Witnesses don’t allow you to play chess so, 100 Huntley Street is a solid bang for your buck.

At the end of the day though, you’re out 30 bones and are now about to vote for a Alberta bible clutching redneck who more than anything wants to be Bush’s cabana boy. I don’t think I’m the only Canadian who conjures up visions of Mr. Burns and Smithers when I think of Bush and Harper.

I can’t see it being all bad for the Tories to win though. I’ve always wanted to ride a horse and buggy and the wait at the emergency room will be shaved down to a minimum as blood letting is quicker than modern medicine. Fuck Darwin, fuck Magellan, fuck Newton’s first law, fuck Galileo, fuck Bill Nye, lets all follow Harper back to bronze age.

"Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"

2005-12-17T02:49:00.000-08:00

It’s not easy finding a good old fashioned Pagan Christmas CD. People are always trying to ruin the true meaning of Christmas with all this baby jesus nonsense. The magical wonders of a Burberry watch, an Hermes scarf and an extra dry martini shaken by the loving hands of friends and family are often lost in cold clutches of Christian guilt.

I had to resort to compiling my own CD by pirating music on the internet and forced to burn, reproduce and bootleg copies in order to spread good will to my fellow Atheists. In the spirit of the holidays I share with you, my two readers, my list of holiday music.

In keeping with the fact that Christmas is comprised of 95% Pagan tradition, it is more important than ever to hold dear the true meaning of this season:

Freudz Christmas

I Believe in Father Christmas – Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas – Crow T Robot, Joel Robinson and Tom Servo
Jack Frost and Hooded Crow – Jethro Tull
Linus and Lucy – Vince Guarldi Trio
What’s This – Danny Elfman (Nightmare Before Christmas)
Fairy Tale New York – The Pogues
Carol of the Bells – Trans Sib Orchestra
Jingle Bells – Brian Seltzer Orchestra
Scrooge - Muppets

All my love for Holidays 'Freud

Macs Suck.

2005-12-13T18:39:00.000-08:00

They suck more than PC's, which suck.

Click here for video: Why Macs Suck.

2005-12-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

"Nurse, judging by this guy's hat, he just aint gonna make it"

Limbaughs Rush in Where Angels Fear To Tread

2005-12-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

No matter what political agenda you follow, you have to forgive the free world (well those with IQ’s above 85) for thinking you’re a moron for listening to Rush Limbaugh.
This guy’s parents should really consider suing the board of education for failing their child.

Listening to Rush, you can understand why the Democrats are so smug and sure of themselves. It seems like every time this idiot opens his mouth he scores one for the other team.

In A Clockwork Orange, Alexander was subjected to violence, rape and Beethoven while having his eyes forced open until the slightest hint of any of those things made him nauseous. Out of respect for the general public who actually went to school, Rush should be made to listen to himself for hours while a medical team routinely swabs his ears with Q Tips. Only then, will Rush know, that listening to his tripe is right up there with Auschwitz.

Behold the man:

Limbaugh 1993: On Bill Clinton: "Never trust a draft dodger."

This is a quote from a man who avoided the draft by complaining about an anal cyst caused by an ingrown hair. If I could make something like this up, I swear I’d be writing for Disney. Just when you think Rush can’t get any sexier, he makes us swoon with his Anal cyst.

Limbaugh : "Anytime the illegitimacy rate in black America is raised , Rev. Jackson and other black 'leaders' immediately change the subject."

Jesse Jackson’s campaign seems to be centered against "children having children” not to mention many other black leaders who constantly preach about it. Given the severe degree of Rush’s retardation it is possible to see how he can confuse constant brow beating against something and total evasion of the subject. Take another fist full of pain killers Rush.

Limbaugh introduced a video clip of Malcolm X's "daughter named Betty Shabazz" when attacking director Spike Lee’s film of the same name. Rush never seems to let something as insignificant as facts get in the way of his campaign as Betty Shabazz is Malcolm X’s widow not his daughter.

Limbaugh: "Now, here is my point. In 1990, George Bush was president and was enjoying a 90 percent plus approval rating on the strength of our victories in the Persian Gulf War and Cold War." This was one of his typical paranoid delusional rants insisting that the Democrats were attempting to sabotage President Bush with the budget deal which was concluded in October 1990. I guess the Q card girl forgot to write that the war started 2 August of that year and the cease fire was called 3 March 1991. Idiot.

Limbaugh 1994: "When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult ; it's an invitation."

I don’t think anyone who looks as dumpy as Rush really has anything to worry about in this. Gay guys just don’t go for the Elmer Fudd type.

Limbaugh: "Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream." Rush Limbaugh making fun of unattractive people is like Heinrich Himmler calling Oliver North a naughty soldier.

Limbaugh: "If we are going to start rewarding no skills and stupid people--I'm serious, let the unskilled jobs, let the kinds of jobs that take absolutely no knowledge whatsoever to do--let stupid and unskilled Mexicans do that work."

Republicans should learn the phrase “las cosas de la manera ought ser” because there’s a line up of unskilled stupid Mexicans waiting outside the studio door for his job. Studies have shown that “unskilled stupid” Mexicans can avoid backing up any statement with any form of fact, truth or evidence, get things entirely wrong in front on an entire nation and attempt to pass it off as fact and grow anal cysts as well if not better than Rush can.

Freudz’ The way things ought to be: Limbaugh should have been stopped at the cervix.

2005-12-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

What you'll never see at Men are from Mars

Crap

2005-12-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I got dragged into a store called Men are from Mars last night. They really should see about changing the name of the store to Men Have No Taste or Men Live in a Trailer Park because that’s pretty much what the merchandise suggested. The mental midget who started the shop got the name from the lamest book ever written by John Gray, the biggest idiot ever to walk in an upright position and pretends to own anything remotely resembling a degree, so you gotta know you’re in for some pretty classy shit.

For those looking for that hard to please male on their Christmas list, Men are from Mars carries the largest assortment of cheesy laminated plaques supporting every sports team known to man. And for those men who have decorated their home in Early Harley Davidson Colonial there’s something for him as well not to mention their extensive Star Trek line. Did someone say beer coasters?

How did everyone get such bad taste all of a sudden? It does't end with men ether, what the fuck is up with all these women wearing running shoes with chandelier earrings? As far as that goes, wearing running shoes for anything other than running is pretty cheesy. No matter where you go though, it’s racks and racks of chandelier earrings. I would personally love to know where all these people are wearing all these chandelier earrings to.

So Bad Taste, we all know someone who has it and as far as I know there is no known cure even though science has made some tremendous brakethroughs it still has miles to go before they can eradicate it for ever. If you or anyone you love show signs of attraction to the following things, chances are they are suffering from advanced stages of poor taste:

Country Music
Salvador Dali
Soccer Moms
Mini Vans
Chicken Soup For the Anything
Fiber Optic Christmas Trees
Nickleback
Chinese Buffet
Fake Tans
Ebonics
Almost anything purchased from an Asian
Heavy Metal
Paneling
Knock off “Anything”
IKEA
Cut out Lawn ornaments
All Dressed Pizza
Mel Gibson
Reality TV
Costco Membership
Processed Cheese
Zinfandel
Dream Catchers
Zodiac

The obvious symptoms are to numerous to list, but this should be a fair indication as to whether you or anyone you know are suffering.

2005-10-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to find this extremely funny?

Assume the Missionary Position

2005-10-05T08:21:00.001-07:00

It’s my favorite time of the day again. It’s that time that we have come to know as ‘speaking ill of the dead’. The hard part of this, of course, is picking which dead people to fuck over. The overtly evil people are never as much fun as the covertly evil people. Covertly evil people who successfully scam people out of hundreds of millions of dollars are my personal favorite.

When it comes to fucking over their fellow human beings, no one deserves the prize more than Mother Teresa. In the 60 years that hag ran her campaign for those “suffering and dying” is wasn’t clear to anyone that her plan was to keep them suffering and dying. Her undisclosed income from donations, estimated to be in the hundreds of millions, was largely collected from working class people who seem to be the only ones in this scenario who had any good will.

What she didn’t plunk into the Vatican Bank, she used to erect convents of her order where she taught other nuns to keep people suffering and poor. It is my belief that if nuns got laid every once in a while, they’d be less prone to this level of twisted behavior and ideology because it’s pretty hard to tell the difference between missionary work and BDSM these days .

One would think that at one point the world would question why the level of squalor that the poor and suffering had to endure in Calcutta did not diminish from the day she took her post to the day she bought the farm, especially when she had the financial means to make a difference in their lives. After 60 years, the sick and suffering people of Calcutta were still squatting over the same broken down cots in the same shit-hole with the same primitive means of medicine. Left to her devices she would have reintroduced ‘blood letting’ as a way to save them

Had she handed out condoms to curb the population and AIDs explosion, this sadistic dungeon-master would have been of some use, but she regretfully failed to provide the simplest solution to ease the suffering of the poor .

Her fucked up reasoning for withholding monies to help the people of Calcutta was due to her medieval mentality that “god would provide”. I suppose he did, by means of donations to some ineffective incompetent bitch who hoarded all the money.

"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."

Leviticus 18:22 Vs Bill C-38

2005-09-30T17:46:00.000-07:00

The Vatican has announced that it is withholding those shitty tasting, stale pieces of bread that stick to the roof of your mouth until Monday morning after mass to Canadian Politicians that passed same sex marriage laws.

The Archbishop of Edmonton has encouraged local Bishops to try and persuade politicians to change their position before they can release the ummmm stale bread to them. It is not clear yet whether or not All Points Bulletin Posters will be put up beside the stale bread distribution centre on Sundays so the priests can scrutinize all recipients to ensure it’s not a Liberal or NDP Politician.

Paul Martin was spotted yesterday in a Novelty store purchasing a fake rubber nose and moustache that authorities fear he will wear with a non descript trench coat in order to maliciously extort communion under false pretence.

Pope Benedict is now considering a proposal to ban gays from entering the priesthood but it’s open door policy on child molesters is in no way endangered.

From Rome. This is Freudz reporting……………

...well this is a fine kettle of fish.....

2005-09-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

It would appear that my only reader got in trouble from his mom for commenting on my blog: Please refer to comments on “Fundie University”

I find this all rather alarming as I haven’t gotten a boy in trouble from his mommy in years and have forgotten all the “Eddy Haskel” things to say to smooth everything over.

All I can say at this time is Bwahahahahahaha…….alrighty then....

Martini Recipe of the Month

Chocolate Martini

Two Oz Vodka
One Oz Crème de CaCao (white)
Lindt Dark Chocolate Shavings
Two to Three cups Ice
In a well chilled Martini Shaker, fill with ice, pour in booze. Note that shaking a martini will only result in a watery martini so stir it instead. Strain into a big fuck off Martini glass and sprinkle with chocolate shavings. Repeat as necessary

2005-09-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Drop that cross one more time mac and you're out of the parade.

All Ye Faithful

2005-09-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

I saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose the other night. Not a bad movie but right up there with Gremlins and Killer Klowns from Outer Space as far as credibility goes. Out of curiosity I Googled Exorcism on the internet and got two million hits including a web page from this American priest, Father Cliff Graham. Cliff has a step by step process to start the exorcism ritual on your own.

According to Cliff evil spirits can enter people who dabble in occult practices.
He says:
“ an evil spirit may enter us because of involvement in evil practices such as the occult, The occult is any practice that involves ceremonies, rituals, chants, magic”

I hate to be captain of the painfully obvious but wouldn’t the Catholic Church be the foremost culprit in evil practices of the occult that involves ceremonies rituals and chants? I chalked up that entire sentence as the worst case of Stockholm Syndrome in history. Cliffy goes on to state that people who practice sex out of wedlock, masturbate or smoke marijuana also run a high risk of being possessed by demons.

Being an Atheist, I am never bothered by demons or Satan which leads me to believe that I have chosen wisely. Fundies, on the other hand, are always laboring under the delusion that demons walk among us. I know a couple of Baptists who have stated that they have actually seen satan on more than one occasion. I then did a little probing and found out that most fundies have at one time or another seen or have felt Satan’s presence. Uh Huh. I don’t know whether it’s the fact they say they have seen Satan that bother’s me as much as the fact that they are permitted to vote and drive cars that makes my skin crawl.

As an Atheist, I’m often puzzled as to why I’ve never seen the devil, or statan or what ever he goes by these days. You’d think if the bastard was to round up anyone it would be people like me. While I’m on the subject, No god’s have ever paid me a visit either so I should be fair game to either of them. While I’m at it, put me down as never seeing the Easter Bunny, Martians or the Tooth Fair either.

To be quite honest I have no time for a God who is as insecure and petty as the god depicted in the holy bible. He’s a pretty lame deity as far as gods go. He really ought to take lessons in self confidence from Zeus who didn’t keep going on and on and on about not being allowed to worship any other god’s but him. This god is like an insecure boyfriend who keeps asking “do you still love me”. And when the answer is no he gets all fire and brimstone on everyone. Gods don’t do shit like that.

Fundies love telling me about the speed in which I will arrive in hell. They take some strange perverse pleasure in knowing that I’m going to burn in eternal hell while they are going to be playing bocce ball and eating ice cream in heaven with Jesus. Heaven is the big pay off for them because they don’t drink beer or masturbate to Internet porn. It almost makes me jealous in the same way I envy a child who plays all his cards right the month before Christmas because Santa Clause is watching. It’s kinda cute but I wouldn’t want to be aligned with them on a social level.

It apparently all has something to do with the fact that God gave us his only son Jesus to die on the cross for us to save us from the clutches of ‘evil’. It’s always puzzled me why God chose that method as the only way to save mankind. A cool god would have chosen a Poker game or Tug of War. But I guess it would be hard to romanticize about some Jewish guy in a sarong beating the Pharisees at five card stud.

It also seems that in the sport of Fundamentalism the creepier the better. Evangelists , Baptists and Sharia Islam are the big hitters of creepy with Catholicism stealing second base. I continue to go through life as a born again Frisbiterian, where we believe that when we die our souls go up on the roof and never come back down.

2005-09-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning

Watch Your Fucking Mouth Tony

2005-09-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

It’s on or about the 6 month count down to marking time waiting for season 6 of the Sopranos. Until this happens, there’s no point in even having a television set and after the series is over, there’s no point in keeping your television set. Last spring the Toronto Star ran an editorial of the filming of the sixth season, doing interviews and giving a play by play of the cast and producers.

The Star stated that the initial filming was immediately followed by a censored filming of each of the 13 episodes. Put in layman’s terms: They film the episode, then go back and film James Gondolfini saying thing’s like “ I want his stupid-head family dead” instead of “I want his mother fucking family dead”, and things of that nature.

I don’t even know where to begin pointing out all the things I find seriously wrong with that pathology. I want to be a fly on the wall of the people that these censored episodes are filmed for. I want to see the true faces of hypocrites. The mere fact that anyone can be so hopelessly stupid could watch a show that’s as complex and multi-layered like the Sopranos and not be bothered by the show’s content of pure violence, but then be offended by hearing profanity creates a whole new level of moron that even the Mental Health community did not see coming.

Someone really has to explain this one to me because I’m drawing a cipher here. People have to be saying to themselves “I will watch Tony’s crew kill and chop up people into pieces on a butcher’s block or in a bathtub with a hand saw and slip in a pool of blood while trying to put the pieces of that person in a glad kitchen catcher, and watch them throw the bags in the trunk of Chris’ car and then watch them take the garbage bags of body parts out of the car and throw them in landfill site, where three episodes later they have to pull them out of the landfill site and smash all the bones with sledge hammers, but I absolutely will not tolerate to hear the word cunt”

I’m not sure whether it’s my inability or just outright refusal to even remotely try to understand the mentality of people who are so offended by profanity yet seem to have no problem with violence. They should all just buy a shirt that says “Hypocrites R US” and get it over with. What’s the point of watching the series if it’s censored? How is it possible that people can draw such a ridiculous line in the sand?

For those who are offended by the language in the series, watch the Golden Girls or the Bill Cosby show, don’t be a hypocrite and watch a censored version of a series that is perfect in it’s original format.

2005-08-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Fundie University

Alchemy

2005-07-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

….on the subject of chemistry and alchemy, the pursuit of combining properties and matter to achieve an end result has always been a point of interest to me. People who possess the brilliance and intellect that I can not hope to grasp the smallest fraction of enlightenment have humbled me beyond reason.

It must me a challenge tweaking ingredients to obtain a satisfactory goal and I would never assume to challenge anyone working in this field. It is for this very reason that I have come to regard the Tim Horton girls as true alchemists of the modern age and worthy of such a stature. That delicate balance of a double double coffee must be among the greatest of all challenges as it is rarely duplicated. The countless occasions where I have asked for a double double at the drive through window only to spit it out on my blouse because of the quantity of either the first or second double is beginning to make me think that being a Horton’s Employee must require at least and MBa in science.

Today I had the forethought of trying my coffee while I was still at the window and I managed to get out “How many fucking sugars did you put in here” before my body went into insulin shock. FOUR. If I were a sarcastic person, I could have a heyday with this one, but seeing how I don’t have a sarcastic bone in my body. I really need to know how ”double, double” correlates to 4 sugars and 4 creams. Maybe there are things in this life that we are not meant to know. Cosmic secrets of the universe, presence of deities and so on. The way this woman looked at me when I inquired why they put four sugars and four creams in what most people have come to accept as 2 sugars and two creams make my blood drain from my heart.

4 out of the 8 hundred Tim Horton’s here put anywhere from 4 – 6 sugars in a double and 3 – 5 creams in a double. All the rest seem to only put in two of each. It astounds me that with all the money these places generate, why Head Office wouldn’t send their employees on, I don’t know…, a 6 month training course on sugar and cream ratios. I would think that the resources and technology are available to get close to the cure even if it is impossible to completely eradicate miscalculations and human error.

2005-07-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

For Mild

No Time, No Time, NO FUCKING TIME

2005-06-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Say, hey!

Hear the sound of the falling rain,
Coming down like an Armageddon flame,
The shame, the ones who died without a name,
Hear the dogs howling out of key,
To a hymn called faith and misery (hey),
And bleed, the company lost the war today,

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies,
this is the dawning of the rest of our lives,
on holiday!

Hear the drums pounding' out of time,
Another protester has crossed the line,
To find the money's on the other side,
Can I get another amen?,(Amen!)
There's a flag rapped around a score of men,
A gag, a plastic bag on a monument,

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies,
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives,
On holiday!

"The representative from California has the floor...",

Sieg heil to the president gas man,
Bombs away is your (pun-ish-ment),
Pulvarize the Eiffel Towers, who criticize your (gov-ern-ment),

Bang, bang goes the broken glass man,
Kill all the fags that don't a-gree,
Trials by fire setting fire,
Is not a way that's meant for me,
Just 'cause...,
...Just cause, because we're outlaws, yeah!

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies,
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives,
I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies,
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives,
This is our lives on holiday!

Green Day/ from American Idiot

I wish I had some time to sit and have a brain squirt. Soon, so very soon

2005-05-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Swimming with Sharks

The Circle Jerk Continues

2005-05-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

The list of quack scientists who attempt to refute Charles Darwin is increasingly on the rise. It now appears that any cousin fucking fundie can become a scientist, using Genesis as their scientific jump off place in the eyes of any Christian church. Renaming creationism to intelligent design is like my renaming my Sunfire GT to a Dodge Viper SRT-10. Who exactly do these idiots think they’re fooling (aside from their brain dead flock)?

http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=14383121&BRD=1160&PAG=461&dept_id=190958&rfi=8

In the above link, Kathy Martin claims that evolution has been proven false and that Intelligent Design (snicker) is science based and factually sound. Of course she has nothing backing this up and freely admits it. Yeah Kathy, Don’t let something as insignificant as fucking facts stand in the way of your campaign you intellectually bankrupt, fraction of a notion imbecile. Facts and evidence mean absolutely nothing to fundies. They seem to labour under the delusion that they can simply pull any half baked proverb out of their ass and somehow make it factual. This is the intellectual level of people in charge of educating children in Kansas. Kathy, it must be so nice living in your head with Peter Pan and Mr. Bunny.

Gerald Schroeder insists on dabbling in science like a 9 year old playing with a chemistry set he got for Christmas. Why does every creationist sound like a desperate vacuum cleaner salesman. I can understand how they can win over fundies, but it’s insulting to the rest of the world with an IQ that surpasses 87.
Schroeder’s calculation as to the 6 days of creation is as follows : Tn = 1.6 x 010/2n
where n =1 for the First day of creation, n=2 for the Second day, etc., and Tn is the duration of the "day" of creation number n on our time scale, expressed in the number of conventional years. According to Schroeder there is no need to substantiate the reason for the gradual decrease of the rate of time flow. No authentic scientist could reconcile themselves to not investigating every variant within a theory in the manner that these fundies attempt to do.

Demski continues to ignore comments and critique from intellectuals and valid scientists and mathematicians. Only a desperate creationist could attempt to displace an empirical material of evolutionary biology with mathematical theorems or equations. Dembski’s attempt to play chess with a pair of dice and poker chips should be an embarrassment to the anyone who has even a vague belief in creationism, let alone anyone who sees reason and logic.

And how can we discuss fundamental Christians without grazing their incessant sanitization of history such as their claim that Charles Darwin recanted on his death bed. The only person present when Darwin died was his daughter and she maintains that her father at no point abandoned his work and theory.

I can only imagine what goes through the mind the true scientific community when they encounter claims by people like Dembski, Schroeder, Behe and Hovind, when it can raise the ire of a simple layman like me. As for Hovind, the only thing that is apparent there is with 2 million sperm in the average ejaculation, it boggles anyone's mind how he managned to swim the fastest.

2005-05-06T03:56:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how young I looked back then

2005-05-04T14:04:00.000-07:00

Luke 22:14

Sin

2005-04-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

Walk down the right back alley in Sin Battery, and you can find anything. The losers trying to pretend to be someone. We know they’re idiots. This ain't no battery. These are the bad days. The all-or-nothing days. They're back. I look at the yellow guy named ______y, he’s so certifiable he doesn’t know it. He wears the costume. That there is one damn fine coat you're wearin', I think to myself.

Enter the majors. The very picture of obtuse. Void of leadership and spinal fluid. Every shot I send their way is wasted. An insult is only effective when the recipient is intelligent enough to understand it. I love reserve majors. No matter what you do to them, you don't feel bad. The one is a Mid-Life Crisis poster child. Slowly fading from lack of intellect, stamina and testicles. He’s a forgotten relic and when his career goes go dead, the hell we'll send him to will seem like heaven after what we've done to him. The other one is so dense he’s dangerous. In the field he’s armed and ineffective. We take out his weapons, both of them, but they’re hard to find without a microscope.

The adjutant:

Adjt: I had to fight some reserve officers.
Sarge: Oh, that's lovely. You didn't happen to kill any of them, did you?
Adjt: Nah, I don't think so, but they know they’ve been in a fight, that's for sure.

He’s frustrated from all the stupidity. Who can blame him. That's the thing with Adjutants, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there's no way you'd know.

BC Darwin’s waiting room is as stupid as one person can get without being euthanized. He’s awkward and slow, and his awkwardness just makes us all sweat. He asks the adjutant one of his typical stupid questions. The adjt responds. He doesn't quite chop his head off. He makes a Pez dispenser out of him. Little Adjt, you're an angel, you're a saint, you're Mother Teresa, you're Elvis. BC DWR is still desperate for someone to help him be a leader. Yeah and while I’m at it, I’ll go and punch god out.

The scientist is cool, he smells like captains ought to smell.

Walk down the right back alley in Sin Battery, and you can find anything. But what if I'm wrong? I've got a condition. I get confused sometimes. What if I've imagined all this? What if I've finally turned into what they've always said I would turn into? A maniac. A psycho sarge. Fuck it. Hey! There is no settling down! This is blood for blood and by the gallons. This is the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They're back!

The light loafered major makes one more plea to gouge this place for another nickel. The cheap fuck. I take out his weapons. Both of them.

I don't know about you, but I'm havin' a ball.

2005-04-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

Just a flesh wound

2005-04-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Clive Sassoon

What Else Could I Be? All Apologies

2005-04-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

The epidemic of apologies that is sweeping the planet has turned into an Olympic event. Japan just apologized to the Americans for WWII. Leaders of a rebel group in Ivory Coast apologized for firing on French troops near Duekoke. The Irish Republican Army apologizes for civilian deaths over its thirty year struggle to unite Northern Ireland with the Republic of Ireland. Swiss president Kaspar Villiger apologized for Switzerland’s refusal to accept refugees during WWII.

Pope John Paul the dead apologized to Greece for the Roman Catholic Church’s crimes against the Orthodox, He also apologized for the annihilation of Constantinople (currently called Istanbul , Turkey ) by Christian Crusaders during 4 days of madness, mayhem and murder in April of the year 1204 A.D. Although I’m not entirely certain what the statutes of limitations are on the “Gee, we fucked up” stance is. He also apologized for the Spanish inquisition, and to the Czech Republic for the Church’s role in stake burnings and the religious wars that followed the Protestant Reformation, the Roman Catholic church’s involvement with the African slave trade. He apologized to the victims of sexual molestation brought on by his platoon on nonce priests and bishops every time he left the Vatican gates. My hard drive isn’t big enough to hold the entire litany of things the Roman Catholic church is sorry for. Air Canada just can’t apologize enough these days. On a personal note, I’d like to apologize to Alex for faking that orgasm on August 14th 1996, , anyway, this is just a preamble to forward you this hour has 22 minutes in it Canadian Apologies to the United States of America:

Canada Apologize to the Americans

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron.
He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've　rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Thank you.

Rick Mercer

Freudz Couch, take a seat

2005-04-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Hong Kong just finished a ground breaking study where they used 148 Chinese men to see how their penises measured up to the rest of the world. The outcome of this study showed that Chinese men are no less endowed than anyone else in the western world. The person who declared this result answer’s to the name of Chan Lung-wai, director of the Urology Centre at a university in Hong Kong. I believe it is in Chan’s best interest to report to the world that his penis is just as big as anyone else’s.

The study illustrates the following measurements of the international un-erect penis in inches, do not be alarmed on these intimidating results as these are merely statistical and if you fall a little short you probably have a good singing voice or at the very least you have a really really swell personality: (clears throat)

Germans: 3.4
Turks: 3.07
Filipinos : 2.89
Italians : 3.54
Americans: 3.46

The Chinese measured in at 3.33, upstaging the Filipinos by .44 of an inch (my condolences to Filipino women everywhere).
The article went on to say that erect penises were not measured in the study. As a woman I probably have no entitlement to comment on this study because I don’t own a penis, but the question begs to be asked: Who the fuck cares about a flaccid penis? The only time a penis is remotely interesting or entertaining is when it’s erect, and the very reason for the study was to place the Chinese mind at ease in telling them they could measure up as pleasure giving stud muffins in the same league as the rest of the world, so does it really matter how big a soft penis? I don’t get the joke Chan.

I’ve heard men commenting on the size of their penis before but to be completely honest, I’ve never heard one say “Hey babe, I got 3.4 inches of pleasure just waiting for you”. Never! Not once. I’d probably have to respond with “Oh my god, it’s so cute” or something along those flattering lines.

I have to be perfectly honest in saying I’m not any closer to knowing if the Chinese penis is indeed the same size as penises of other ethnic origins as before the study disclosed it's findings. Why they didn’t measure them when they were hard is anyone’s guess. I’d have volunteered for the job if it came with dental benefits but I had no idea where to send my resume.

Internet men, on the other hand, all seem to have at least 9 inches (I’m assuming that’s erect). I have come to the conclusion that IBM must have a policy to not let computers into the hands of men who have anything weighing in any less. I even looked near the Intel Inside sticker for a label stating “Your penis must be at least this big to operate this system” but I have a sissy girl computer.

I honestly believe the laws of physics are a bit skewed when correlating limp and erect penises or perhaps Chinese men just have less blood. The math simply doesn’t work no matter what the well hung Chan tells himself at night to make him sleep better.

2005-04-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

Mel 19:25

2005-04-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Ouch

2005-04-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

The Gospel According to Mel

Passion of the Christers

2005-04-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

I read an advertisement yesterday, selling candles that smell like Jesus for the rock bottom price of $18 US or $256 Canadian. Thanks to Bob and Karen Tosterud of Bumfuck, Whoknowswhere a person can smell Jesus in their home for up to 48 hours. Your really gotta give these two shysters credit. I applaud anyone who can fuck over his fellow cult members with such a lucrative upshot.
I don’t claim to be all knowing, but I can be fairly confident in saying that the odor of some bronze aged middle easterner is not going to smell exactly like Burberry (but that’s just me)
I posted on Rotten Tomatoes/Passion of the Christ Forum a link to the Jesus Dress Up Doll and the forum turned into Isreal and fucking Palistine with all the commiserating back and forth, so I have finally drawn to the conclusion that only fundies are allowed to profit from God and fuck everyone one else. I find this so unnerving. I believe anyone should be able to sell Jesus on the public market and make a decent living at it.
Fundamentalists were picketing outside Urban Outfiters where the Jesus Dress Up Fridge magnets were sold for weeks, finally forcing the store to pull them from their shelves. I wish I had as much time on my hands as a fundie. These people picket for a living, check out the next the Right to Life demonstration and point out one person who is in danger of even having sex let alone becoming pregnant.
I find the concept of Jesus Scented Candles completely repugnant and an insult to anyone’s intelligence (but understanding the targeted clientele I can see how they’re such a hit) so I won’t own one. Fundies are insulted by the Jesus Dress Up Fridge Magnets, so no one can own one. The thing is, I never have fundies in my kitchen, so why should it bother them what’s on my fridge. What is it about these idiots that they find it impossible to change a channel, not look at porn or not buy a freakin fridge magnet, that they impede on everyone else’s right to do so.
So I am appealing to all my Atheist friends to make up picket signs and band together to get these Jesus candles off the shelves, get porn on prime time TV and make Howard Stern Pope (wait, he’s jewish, fuck it, it’s time we had a Jewish pope). We’ll wear our best sweat pants and put our hair up in rollers just like the fundies, and those with the option can even leave out their dental plates. I'll bring the Jello salad.
Please give generously to www.freudzixnayjesuscandle.com or
www.freudzsavethejesusmagnets.com and let your money make a difference for our children and our children’s children.

2005-04-20T04:51:00.000-07:00

I noticed

Woof

2005-04-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

So I’m looking for a dog. It’s been so long since I’ve had something to neglect. I’ve consulted the books as to what breed I should have for my particular situation (being that of no time for a dog)
The thing is, I’ve always wanted an English Bulldog. Ever since a close friend of mine got one at a rescue mission I’ve wanted one. This thing stands about 15 inches high and weighs no less than a hundred pounds. When it looks at you it seems to want to eat you for breakfast. Watching it go up the stairs is more entertaining than the season finale of the Soprano’s and when the bitch next door is in heat, watching it go up the stairs with an erection just double the fun.
So now I want one. I’ve even reconciled myself to putting up with the snot issue, and farting issue and the cherry eye thing and the impending sinus surgery which will no doubt cost a pharaoh’s ransom. And no matter what gender this is, I’m going to call it fifi or fluffy, because a bulldog is just begging to have a sissy name.
I’ve called three places so far and emailed two breeders. One woman called me back this morning telling me she will soon have puppies available and that she would let me know as soon as possible when I could come and see them to have a pick of the litter. I am number 2 in the picking pecking order, yippie ki yay.
About an hour after I spoke to her, I phoned her back as I had forgotten to ask her about the price. She then proceeded to quote me $3,000 (three thousand) (3K) (3 grand) (3 big ones). For a damn dog that looks like it got hit by a truck. I was stunned. I thought I misunderstood her at first. Threefuckingthousand. For one dog, Not one dog a a plasma TV, just one freakin dog.
I really don’t consider myself a cheap person, I wouldn’t even say I’m frugal, I pay 50 bucks for a tube of lipstick for Christ’s sake and buy my kid Mobius and North Face coats for winter. Cheap would never be a word used by anyone to describe me. But I can’t seem to get my mind around paying $3,000 for a stupid dog, especially when it’s going to wipe it’s snot all over my furniture and drop fart bombs with the intensity of Napalm.
Fuck the dog, I’m buying gold fish. No shit, no walking, no creature smearing it’s mucus on your good skirt, just a pet that will live a week then die with grace and dignity, disposable pets at $1.49 each. I now know that gold fish don’t do stunts or swim in creative ways so I’m prepared unlike last time I tried to show everyone what clever goldfish I had. No plasma TV.

Curse of the Starving Class

2005-04-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

So I was finally in a Costco the other day. After hearing everyone go on and on about it I finally thought it was time to see all I have been missing all these years

I had to be accompanied with someone with a Costco passport of course because the average Joe can not be permitted inside such a luxurious mercantile. When we passed by the pimply faced kid at the entrance and he waved us through my heart was pounding with excitement with the sheer anticipation of grandeur.

The entire warehouse look was so impressive, including the piles of TVs all wrapped in saran wrap piled skid on top of skid that sort of resembled K2 but not to be outdone by the Mount Everest sized pile of Jeans and leather coats. People gathered around the piles and rooting for their sizes (hangers of courses being so gauche).

I have no idea what I was thinking by buying a box of 30 tampons when at Costco I could have been buying a box of 6,000 and save at least 10 cents per box. And why buy one loaf of fresh bread at a time when you can buy 88 loaves and freeze them for months, saving an entire nickel per loaf. I passed a woman who had a trolley (yes trolley)piled with roughly 25,000 roles of toilet paper. It’s such a brilliant idea this buying a lifetime supply of product so you never have to shop again. Where these idiots are going to keep all this shit is any body's guess but I imagine they can buy the resin Costco shed for $870 to store it all.

The entire place is peppered with girls in paper chef hats peddling samples of fine cuisine with shelf lives of 90 years and flocks of people around actually waiting for a tablespoon of something. I can’t imagine what these people do for a living that their time is so worthless to them to endure all this. The line up at the registers was at least 20 people long. I looked at my cart and couldn’t see the significance of actually waiting in a line for 2 hours long to purchase the crap that was in there. So I just left my 120 tubes of toothpaste family pack of 50,000 ribbed Durex condoms between customer number 23 and 25 and walked out of the store.

Of course I had to wait at the exit for the Gestapo to check to see that I wasn’t trying to pull a fast one as he was checking everyone. I started sweating at the possible cavity search that I thought they may conduct if you have no obvious purchase but I got out unscathed.

Kudos to the guy that came up with this marketing strategy where he knew that the general population was enough of a mental midget to buy into this shit, then have the balls to actually charge an annual fee for the privilege of shopping there. How the public at large have been swindled into a scam of paying a membership fee to be bequeathed the honour of giving a company their money scares the shit out of me, considering when you know that these same people are allowed to vote and drive cars. My hat’s off to this master marketer and his Costco Regime, as no doubt he could sell sand to Arabs.

2005-03-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

This would look so good on my bumper

2005-03-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

I just can't leave it alone, can I

2005-03-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

This is where Captain Marvin and I spent the weekend. I told you I'd mention you.

2005-03-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

Can a person get any geekier

I wish I had something eventful to say

2005-03-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you,
just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary won't you whisper,
something but what's past and done
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.

I'm so short of interesting things to say these days, quoting Tool is usually the next best thing when your brain refuses to rev up.

Leviticus 18:22

2005-03-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

When the horrible news was released that spongebob was gay, I felt my legs go numb. I will remember that moment of shear grief for years to come. I wish to extend my complete indebtedness to the right wing Christian Community for making this most profound and enlightening observation.

Studies have shown that it is almost impossible to detect homosexual behavior in invertebrates, allowing deviants such as spongebog to slip by undetected and leaving our children completely at risk. Under the watchful eye of fundamentalists, cock smoking sponges cam no longer hide and spread their repulsive lifestyles. There may quite possibly be entire homosexual communities in the coral reef but officials are still remaining hopeful that this estimation is largely exaggerated.

Our only hope now is that he was outed before any permanent damage could take place and that our children are safe once more.

Eddie Vedder doesn’t know I’m alive

2005-02-10T08:09:00.000-08:00

I have no idea how this happened in my life. Of all the silly little accomplishments I set out to do, Eddie never made the list. Alright, so it was an oversight on my part of enormous proportions especially when taking into account all the mental midgets I have had the misfortune of knowing in my life.

There should be a rule about being able to trade in 99.9% of the acquaintances a person has amassed in their lifetime for the one acquaintance they truly want. I have a list of about 748 window lickers, trainspotters, beta males and cement heads that should be reasonably tangible for one Eddie Vedder. I’m willing to negotiate anything that is brought to the offering table on this one.

2005-02-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

Quest for facial bleach

2005-02-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

good nail day

Kent Hovind: Quite possibly the greatest imbecile of our time

2005-02-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting to live through such historical moments. Kent Hovind, Creationist at large, scores one for the other team each time he opens his mouth. We are the generation of people who are able to witness the unfurling of the dumbest creature to walk in an upright position. This is the only man alive that can make Bush look like he achieved a grade 3 education. The following is just a small dose of this man’s utter stupidity:

Hovind: "I teach physics. I know about the invert square law, particle attraction acceleration due to gravity"

Buddika: Invert_ square law? If he had not crowed, "I teach physics" immediately before it, I would have let this go, but any real physics teacher with an ounce of working gray matter would have called it the 'inverse square law'.

Hovind: "Dinosaurs were nothing more than giant lizards in the garden of Eden. Dinosaurs lived with Adam and Eve."

Buddika: There is no evidence whatsoever in the fossil record for dinosaurs alive a mere 4,000 years ago, or for dinosaurs cohabiting with humans, the majority of mammals or the majority of birds at any time in history. Dinosaurs are a specific group of (once-) living things. To call them lizards is to misrepresent them.

Hovind: "The textbooks state that one of the evidences is homology structures. Homology structures, what does that mean?"

Buddika: It doesn't mean anything because it is lousy grammar, and if Hovind really was an honest PhD, he would know this. What he means is 'homologous' structures. Such structures exhibit homology.

Hovind: "The DNA found in you body is also extremely complex. Because it is smaller does not mean it is simpler."

Buddika: Four bases, sugar, phosphate; how much simpler can it be? If god made DNA from scratch, perfectly, how come there is so much duplication and junk in it? Evolution explains this completely - it's precisely what you would expect to find if we evolved. The creationist camp can only explain it by their god's incompetence.

Hovind: "Evolution is largely responsible for what happened to the Indians."

Buddika: "Origin" was published a full 20 years after the Nunadautsunt. That's pretty good that Darwin managed to force something to happen 20 years before the book which caused it was published....

Hovind: "There would not be communism in Russia today if had not been for Charles Darwins book on evolution."

Buddika: I am not even going to dignify this with a longer response.

Hovind: "He wrote the book Mein Kampf. You ought to read Mein Kampf and see how many times Hitler refers to racial crossing, superior races, or higher races. The major theme of the book is Germans are a superior race."

Buddika: You ought to read it. For once, take Hovind's advice and do please read Mein Kampf. In it, you will see that Hitler believed he was doing God's work in destroying the Jews. It had nothing to do with evolution. The Catholic Church, even at the height of the atrocities, never excommunicated Hitler, nor spoke out against his activities.

I strongly recommend this entire essay for reading, It's absolutely brilliant:

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/1766/hovindlies/

This tool is actually teaching physics to kids. I’d rather have my kid share a one room flat with Sid and Nancy than have this moron within a stone’s throw of him. His alleged degree is from a Diploma Mill from some bible school if bum fuck USA, that is not recognized anywhere on the face of the earth.

I’m sure if Darwin had ever met people in the ranks of Hovind, Behe, and Dembski, he’d have probably shredded his thesis and take up wood working instead as these morons are so backwards they predate the Cambrian Explosion.

2005-02-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

The Creation of God

Creationists: Let’s line the fuckers up, and shoot the fuckers down

2005-02-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

So I grew up Catholic….told from the earliest age I can remember that humans were created from a clump of dirt and that the earth was about 6,000 years old, the great flood and all the rest of it. I remember from as early as grade three that this didn’t sound right. The glaring inconsistencies began to make me think that I just wasn’t getting it. If I asked for further explanation, Sister Evelyn would begin speaking to me in one of her more her condescending tones “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed fire into his nostrils the breath of life. I was trying to wrap my 7 year old mind around that, what the hell else could I do, I was the only idiot in the class who didn’t get it.

Sister Evelyn continued: “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” I looked on both sides of my desk to see how the other 7 year olds were absorbing all this, I could see no fellow panicked faces. She pressed on “And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.” (I know this is really dry shit) “And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him”. Ok so I finally put up my hand and asked what a help meet was. Sister Evelyn’s vein looked like it was going to explode (I really don’t think she liked me) “A help meet is a mate, God finally created Eve for Adam after that from his rib” Huh? God, who is supposed to be infinitely wise and inerrant and all that shit thought of animals before he thought of a woman? With the mystery of the Scottish and Sheep misunderstanding taken care of I was left stunned. The only thing I could figure out at 7 years old was that I was either really stupid for not understanding this, or I was really smart for not buying it. But since I was doing so lousy in math I didn’t believe the latter was plausible so for the first 13 years of my life I considered myself mentally challenged.

There are no answers to be found when you’re a kid, you have to blindly accept the bullshit your teachers, priests and parents tell you. Evolution was a dirty word in Catholic school and the first time I asked about it in grade 5 I got sent to the principals office and was given two detentions. “We did not come from Monkey’s where did you learn that filth?” That was the principal who asked me that, but it was pretty much Sister Evelyn’s question verbatim. “I just think it makes more sense to be related to a monkey than to a clump of dirt.” I remember telling her and then as though begging her to at least think about it’s plausibility I said “Can’t you see it?”. It was the last time I said the word Monkey until I reached high school. My mother was called and that night I had to listen to her piss and moan all through supper about my going to hell and never being able to marry a nice catholic boy (I did mention I was 7 right?).

While I don’t claim to have any formal education in science, I do claim to have the capacity for reason and rational thought. Further to the point I have researched scientist’s work for years to support and strengthen my beliefs. In short, it is not necessary for me to know how to make a watch in order to tell time. With the evidence that is available to us today applied to science we know beyond reasonable doubt that the Great Flood could not have happened, that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old as opposed to the 6,000, and the sun is not burning, Sister Evelyn, it is undergoing nuclear fusion you stupid bitch.

2005-02-02T18:16:00.000-08:00

Woof!

The Great Pit Bull Debate.

2005-02-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

This debate over pit bulls has me a little puzzled. I have read the stories: Pit Bull attacks young boy, two pit bulls attack man, three pit bulls leave girl in hospital with 2 gazillion stitches, the list is endless. In truth, I believe pit bulls have some serious issues that whole grinding of the teeth on your flesh thing for instance is unnerving.

I’m not a fan of pit bulls, no matter how nice looking of a dog they are. What I really find repulsive though are their owners which really begs the question: Do you ‘have’ to be crack peddling, grade 8 dropout, welfare recipient to own a pit bull, or can you just look one? I mean, let’s be honest here, every time you see a pit bull on TV that has just chewed the face off a 3 year old kid, at the other end of that leash is the hand of a person who looks like he hasn’t bathed in 6 months and spends his entire welfare cheques on tattoos and face piercing. You just never hear the words “Dr Jones, why did your pit pull mangle that kid?”

Pit bulls have become the official dog of the drug dealer and trailer park dwellers. I can see why though, it’s a little difficult to maintain that bad ass image with a poodle or shitzu and you know the story, it’s all in the image. The sad part of it is, that when these dogs do attack, the poor shmuck can’t really sue the owners because….well, lets just face it, the guy hasn’t got a pot to piss in. The best a guy can hope for is a Jack Daniels mirror and a 1973 CCM ten speed in an out of court settlement.

I’ve heard outrageous comments like, ‘the owner should be shot’. Which is rather harsh to say the least. Sadly, you just can’t go around shooting people anymore. euthanization is by far the most humane and compassionate way to deal with the problem. I’ve done some mad science and calculations and have found that by tripling the dose of Dibucaine with the added agent of Pentobarbital you can put a Pit Bull owner out of his misery and save taxpayers a shitload of money in welfare payments. This should appeal to everyone on many levels. Killing the dog really doesn’t fix the problem, because lets be honest, he’s just going to buy another dog with his next welfare cheque anyway, or just double his crack sales that week. By putting the Pit Bull owner to sleep the Province will gain hectares of land which once were trailer parks that housed these dickwads, crack will be off the streets, a 20% hike in federal cash flow freed up by what once went to social services. Tattoo parlors will take a loss buy hey, it’s an imperfect world.

The time is nigh to kill all these old people behind the wheel

2005-02-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

At approximately 7:30 last night (Eastern Time or 022330Z for you technical people) I found myself up the ass of a Cadilac DeVille that came out of nowhere while I was driving down a thoroughfare. What I noticed immediately was that this bastard had cut me off two weeks prior coming out of a shopping mall. Now I'm not sure whether this guy is legally blind or is just too fucking old to care if he lives or dies and I really don't give a shit which it is.

I do think that once someone reaches a certain age they should be administered driving tests which will weed out terminally senile people to keep our roads safe and unincumbered for the less dangerous Drunk Driver's of the world. Anyone over the age of dirt should be made to do handstands, walk a tightrope without a safety net or at the very least be made to find his dick with his own two hands.

Now, Im not insensitive to the plight of the old, I understand that a right turn on a red light in a vehicle the size of Oprahs Ass (during hiatus)is a difficult maneuver for some of these senior citizens so for that reason I kept my road rage in check and withheld my urge to follow him home and thump him on the side of the head and leave him at the side of his driveway for dead.

I have, for the above reasons, left explicit intructions for my kid to shoot me in my bed when I am too old to cross a street under 27 minutes and attempt to stick my key in the ignition.