Creationists: Let’s line the fuckers up, and shoot the fuckers down

So I grew up Catholic….told from the earliest age I can remember that humans were created from a clump of dirt and that the earth was about 6,000 years old, the great flood and all the rest of it. I remember from as early as grade three that this didn’t sound right. The glaring inconsistencies began to make me think that I just wasn’t getting it. If I asked for further explanation, Sister Evelyn would begin speaking to me in one of her more her condescending tones “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed fire into his nostrils the breath of life. I was trying to wrap my 7 year old mind around that, what the hell else could I do, I was the only idiot in the class who didn’t get it.

Sister Evelyn continued: “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” I looked on both sides of my desk to see how the other 7 year olds were absorbing all this, I could see no fellow panicked faces. She pressed on “And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.” (I know this is really dry shit) “And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him”. Ok so I finally put up my hand and asked what a help meet was. Sister Evelyn’s vein looked like it was going to explode (I really don’t think she liked me) “A help meet is a mate, God finally created Eve for Adam after that from his rib” Huh? God, who is supposed to be infinitely wise and inerrant and all that shit thought of animals before he thought of a woman? With the mystery of the Scottish and Sheep misunderstanding taken care of I was left stunned. The only thing I could figure out at 7 years old was that I was either really stupid for not understanding this, or I was really smart for not buying it. But since I was doing so lousy in math I didn’t believe the latter was plausible so for the first 13 years of my life I considered myself mentally challenged.

There are no answers to be found when you’re a kid, you have to blindly accept the bullshit your teachers, priests and parents tell you. Evolution was a dirty word in Catholic school and the first time I asked about it in grade 5 I got sent to the principals office and was given two detentions. “We did not come from Monkey’s where did you learn that filth?” That was the principal who asked me that, but it was pretty much Sister Evelyn’s question verbatim. “I just think it makes more sense to be related to a monkey than to a clump of dirt.” I remember telling her and then as though begging her to at least think about it’s plausibility I said “Can’t you see it?”. It was the last time I said the word Monkey until I reached high school. My mother was called and that night I had to listen to her piss and moan all through supper about my going to hell and never being able to marry a nice catholic boy (I did mention I was 7 right?).

While I don’t claim to have any formal education in science, I do claim to have the capacity for reason and rational thought. Further to the point I have researched scientist’s work for years to support and strengthen my beliefs. In short, it is not necessary for me to know how to make a watch in order to tell time. With the evidence that is available to us today applied to science we know beyond reasonable doubt that the Great Flood could not have happened, that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old as opposed to the 6,000, and the sun is not burning, Sister Evelyn, it is undergoing nuclear fusion you stupid bitch.