Woof
So I’m looking for a dog. It’s been so long since I’ve had something to neglect. I’ve consulted the books as to what breed I should have for my particular situation (being that of no time for a dog)
The thing is, I’ve always wanted an English Bulldog. Ever since a close friend of mine got one at a rescue mission I’ve wanted one. This thing stands about 15 inches high and weighs no less than a hundred pounds. When it looks at you it seems to want to eat you for breakfast. Watching it go up the stairs is more entertaining than the season finale of the Soprano’s and when the bitch next door is in heat, watching it go up the stairs with an erection just double the fun.
So now I want one. I’ve even reconciled myself to putting up with the snot issue, and farting issue and the cherry eye thing and the impending sinus surgery which will no doubt cost a pharaoh’s ransom. And no matter what gender this is, I’m going to call it fifi or fluffy, because a bulldog is just begging to have a sissy name.
I’ve called three places so far and emailed two breeders. One woman called me back this morning telling me she will soon have puppies available and that she would let me know as soon as possible when I could come and see them to have a pick of the litter. I am number 2 in the picking pecking order, yippie ki yay.
About an hour after I spoke to her, I phoned her back as I had forgotten to ask her about the price. She then proceeded to quote me $3,000 (three thousand) (3K) (3 grand) (3 big ones). For a damn dog that looks like it got hit by a truck. I was stunned. I thought I misunderstood her at first. Threefuckingthousand. For one dog, Not one dog a a plasma TV, just one freakin dog.
I really don’t consider myself a cheap person, I wouldn’t even say I’m frugal, I pay 50 bucks for a tube of lipstick for Christ’s sake and buy my kid Mobius and North Face coats for winter. Cheap would never be a word used by anyone to describe me. But I can’t seem to get my mind around paying $3,000 for a stupid dog, especially when it’s going to wipe it’s snot all over my furniture and drop fart bombs with the intensity of Napalm.
Fuck the dog, I’m buying gold fish. No shit, no walking, no creature smearing it’s mucus on your good skirt, just a pet that will live a week then die with grace and dignity, disposable pets at $1.49 each. I now know that gold fish don’t do stunts or swim in creative ways so I’m prepared unlike last time I tried to show everyone what clever goldfish I had. No plasma TV.
The thing is, I’ve always wanted an English Bulldog. Ever since a close friend of mine got one at a rescue mission I’ve wanted one. This thing stands about 15 inches high and weighs no less than a hundred pounds. When it looks at you it seems to want to eat you for breakfast. Watching it go up the stairs is more entertaining than the season finale of the Soprano’s and when the bitch next door is in heat, watching it go up the stairs with an erection just double the fun.
So now I want one. I’ve even reconciled myself to putting up with the snot issue, and farting issue and the cherry eye thing and the impending sinus surgery which will no doubt cost a pharaoh’s ransom. And no matter what gender this is, I’m going to call it fifi or fluffy, because a bulldog is just begging to have a sissy name.
I’ve called three places so far and emailed two breeders. One woman called me back this morning telling me she will soon have puppies available and that she would let me know as soon as possible when I could come and see them to have a pick of the litter. I am number 2 in the picking pecking order, yippie ki yay.
About an hour after I spoke to her, I phoned her back as I had forgotten to ask her about the price. She then proceeded to quote me $3,000 (three thousand) (3K) (3 grand) (3 big ones). For a damn dog that looks like it got hit by a truck. I was stunned. I thought I misunderstood her at first. Threefuckingthousand. For one dog, Not one dog a a plasma TV, just one freakin dog.
I really don’t consider myself a cheap person, I wouldn’t even say I’m frugal, I pay 50 bucks for a tube of lipstick for Christ’s sake and buy my kid Mobius and North Face coats for winter. Cheap would never be a word used by anyone to describe me. But I can’t seem to get my mind around paying $3,000 for a stupid dog, especially when it’s going to wipe it’s snot all over my furniture and drop fart bombs with the intensity of Napalm.
Fuck the dog, I’m buying gold fish. No shit, no walking, no creature smearing it’s mucus on your good skirt, just a pet that will live a week then die with grace and dignity, disposable pets at $1.49 each. I now know that gold fish don’t do stunts or swim in creative ways so I’m prepared unlike last time I tried to show everyone what clever goldfish I had. No plasma TV.
posted by freudz wet dream at 11:16 AM
16 Comments:
We got a real pretty pure bred Huskey for $300 US. Oh wait, that is $3500 Canadian, isn't it?
Fish are cool, but be forwarned, that can turn into an expensive habit as well!
About time you had a post!
Glad you're still in true form.
CUG
I'm pretty sure a bulldog in the US would run me about 45 bucks.
Jesus Mary and Joseph Deadpool, what more can I say but...welcome back to the fold.
did you yell "GINSU!!" when you began that slaughter, DP?
Gentlemen, we've reached Def Con 4
I see you have minions, too, FWD.
Is this a slaughter, too? Uh…..Ginsu!
Dear Deadpole,
Man! You are one pissed-off chick! Do they sell Midol in Canada? I will call you Nancy from now on, Deadpole (oops! I mean besides right then!)
Wow. You sure can spew a lot of garbage in a short period of time, Nancy-baby. Does your husband know you talk like that? I guess I will discuss your rantings one point at a time.
Regarding rhetoric, did you read what you have written here? RHETORIC.
How come the liberals’ best arguments usually involve statements like, “You’re stupid”, "You’re a racist”, “You’re ignorant” and “Save me because I’m an un-armed little girl and/or I’m French”?
Hey Nancy, you know what a racist is?
A conservative winning an argument with a liberal.
HAHAHAHAH! I wish I could claim that as my own, but I can’t.
Harvey Derringer doesn’t even show up on Google. What is he, a back-bacon-eating champion? Or is he some kind of penguin? Do you have famous penguins there? It is certainly cold enough… Could you possibly find someone more obscure? Maybe, although I doubt you could find a lamer quote. Top-hole, there darlin’.
I glad you like my Euro-post (capitalization not an error). Europeans make me laugh, because they are funny and wear funny hats. Silly socialists! Do you have a funny Canuk seal-skin hat, Nancy? I’ll bet you do. And I’ll bet you look real purty in it, too. (Do I hear banjo music? Nah…)
I did check your post out (this is the one I’m responding to, correct?)
I’ve got some bad news for you, sweet-heart.
I may be the most stupid, ignorant, idiot in the whole wide world, but I am SO WAY FUNNIER THAN YOU!!!! BIG TIME!!! You are not even in my league, Nancy! Not even freaking close! I am Mike Tyson, and you are a drunk, French school-girl, in the humor arena. Bow down to my masterful funniness! All Hail CUG Funnies!!!
See Nancy, I write humor. I’ll spell it for you reeeeal slow.
That’s H-U-M-O-R.
Oh, wait! I’m sorry.
I mean, H-U-M-O-U-R. (Didn’t mean to confuse you).
You foreigners need to learn how to spell, too. ;)
If I ever need a really lame, hostile, totally non-funny, militant-feminist writer with atrocious English skills, I will call you first, Nancy-pants. You are at the top of my list.
Humor, for your information, is written by people that have a sense of humor. Maybe you can go and buy one of those at Costco, Nancy. I hope that they don’t tax you over 6%! (Sorry, just a little American tax humor…a 6% sales tax really pisses me off, in real life; way too high!).
Most liberals don’t have a sense of humor. That is why FWD is interesting. That is why you blow, Nance (only figuratively, right?). .
Next: “You speak the speak” is that another Canukism? Did someone make speak a noun when I wasn’t looking? Gosh, for one so brilliant, don’t you find it a shade odd that I can easily pick out numerous instances of your lame grammatical, syntax, and spelling mistakes? Maybe they don’t exist, and I am just a stupid American.
Is that a stereotype, Nancy? Are you a bigot?
You don’t know what battles I have been in. But maybe you can come down in your shortest skirt and hit me with a hockey stick. That would be a funny battle! My Army and Marine buddies would laugh and laugh and laugh if they saw me get hit by a girl with a hockey stick.
I don’t have a hockey stick. That sucks. I do have an AR-15, though. That rocks. We’re allowed to own all kinds of guns here, Nancy. What kind of gun do you have? My wife has her own AR-15 (as well as a .40 Glock, 686 Smith and Wesson, etc…well, you get the picture).
Maybe you and her could trade recipes and go shooting together.
Next point - True, I haven’t traveled much, but that is only because other places suck. Kind of like you, Nancy. I did go to Texas once, though. I really liked it there. Did you know that in Texas you are allowed to bitch-slap liberals? Oh…if only Ohio weren’t so backward. Plus, they’ve got REALLY cool gun laws in Texas, too.
Have you ever seen a gun Nancy? I mean besides the ones your government oppressors carry. We will come liberate Canada after were done with the Middle East.
Hang on, Nancy-girl! Help Is On The Way! (I stole that last line from a totally French-acting, poofy-haired sissy; that you wanted me to vote for, by the way).
Oh, yeh. I went to Canada once, too. They taxed the hell out of me! You’re welcome for me helping to fund your socialist health-care system.
I can tell by your poor sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation that you are far better educated than I. By the way, did you know hypocratic is not a real word (one example of your voluminous list of errors, Nancy)?
Did you know that all Americans (except pious, liberal Hollywood and Washington asshats) are stupid? It is a proven fact! But you knew that, huh?
OK, time to get something off of your chest. I hope it’s not your bra, Nancy! Because I quit looking at that stuff because Jesus told me it was bad.
The USA protecting Canada was a little tongue in cheek (is toungue another foreign ‘u’ thing, or did you just spell it wrong?), but moreover, it is funny because it is mostly true (thank you, Homer). Do you think you would be safe from commies and evil-doers if we weren’t here?
Who would protect you, the Canadian Air Force, or you fleet of battle cruisers and nuclear submarines. Do you even have nukes? Do you have battleships? Oh wait, horses really scare commies, never mind.
“i won't try and convince you away from your political disposition…” – Honey, that’s classic. You actually manage to use a four-syllable word in a completely grammatically atrocious sentence. While we may argue in the future, perhaps your criticism of my intelligence could be kept to a minimum until you learn how to run spell-checker and form a sentence. You can’t play the funny foreigner card there, Nance!
I know Canadians talk funny, but that sentence was way over the line, even if English is your second language.
You know, glass houses and all…
Oh yeah, the (regarding America) “It’s all our fault when people kill us” argument. Maybe that’s true. Well, I guess we’ll just have to kill them all first, Nancy.
I know that goes against your femininity, but the ugly truth is that some people need a-killin’. (Good lord, can you run spell-check once in your life? I can barely read this thing!).
Next point, I’m not a Yank. Dumbass (or is it dumbassette?). Plus, Yank is capitalized. (Un-capitalized is what someone does to your pony-tail). I’m AN AMERICAN.
And A CONSERVATIVE! YEE-HAW!
We shall soon rule the planet – MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Pluto does not run this country (please note sarcasm). He is a cartoon dog. You really are a dumbass, Nancy. I will pray for you. We (the US) live in a representative, democratic republic. You live in socialist-land, waiting to become commie-land.
Kind of a MickeyMousocracy, if you will. We will probably not rescue you until you are total commies. You are welcome in advance, by the way. No more Disney references, please.
Good thing you have the luxury to make all those mistakes, wiping out your military and socializing everything, while we cover your ass. Where is our luxury? Let me know when the Canadian multi-warhead nuclear cruise missiles are pointed at our enemies, so we can relax. Do you know who terrorists hate, Nance? Non-Muslims (i.e. infidels), capitalists, whitey, sinners, etc. Are you an infidel, Nancy? Go play nice, see what it gets you. Just like Spain did…
Am I in striking distance there, Nancy-baby?
(You did spell abnegation correctly; I do give credit where it is due).
Next point: Canada has indeed helped us and others in many conflicts. In all honesty, I thank all Canadians, and all the other countries that have helped us, and helped the world, in numerous conflicts. Thanks to all, and you’re welcome, as well.
But here is the deal, Nancy, I write HUMO(U)R. Gosh you’re slow.
Oh yeah, so how is your air-force and navy doing? Did they spend all their money on crappy health-care service? I am familiar with this one; my UAW wants socialized medicine in a bad way. (They are kind of asshats, FYI).
Are your armed forces ready for Soviet and/or Chinese battle cruisers and submarines? Is the US ready for that? (Much more than you, sweet-pea.) Plus, 79% of our citizens are armed. Hooray! Guns rule!!! Red Dawn! Wolverines!!! (Sorry, got carried away there, for a second).
Plus, I am not arrogant in pointing out the flaws of other countries. I am just right. I’m not arrogant, I’m just really, really, smart, always correct, well-spoken, and exceptionally (big-time) good-looking. I don’t know what you look like, Nancy, but if you ever want to battle wits, go graduate high-school, and look me up after 8 years of college. Just because someone does not agree with you does not make them stupid. Case in point, fwd. She is WAY wrong, but not stupid.
And yes, I will concede with NO SARCASM WHATSOEVER that Canada’s GDP and ass-kicking population scare the bejesus (sorry, Jesus) out of me. You are the ultimate feather-weights. Hey, Nancy, like your comment said, maybe you can come over and kick my ass, too! We here in America constantly bemoan how much we suck compared to Canada.
Oh, yeah!!! We (UAW workers) get Easter Monday off because of you Canuks!! Thanks, Nancy. One more reason most people in the US hate us UAW workers. You don’t take it off though, because you hate and/or don’t believe in Jesus, right? Jesus believes in you, Nancy. And he has a sense of humor, too. He made hate-filled lesbian-lefties like you!
Don’t be jealous of my ignorance, you seem to have an abundance (that means a lot) already. “Never suffered, never sweat.” Hmmm…that does sound like a union job. However, I have had my share of tribulations and hard work. Do you work hard when you clean the kitchen, Nancy? I bet fwd hardly ever cleans the kitchen, because she is a badass. FWD could probably REALLY kick your ass, Nancy. You could be France, and she could be, well, anybody else!
Bump into trees? Are you a monkey, Nancy? Chicks that look like monkeys freak me out. (Ninjas kind of freak me out, too.)
Oh, yeah. Remind me to read up on the top of the pyramid people and their wooden ships. You make me laugh, Nancy. You loony lefties are funny! I’ve got a whole bunch here to ship to you if you want. Fed-Ex ok? A bunch of these asshats said they would leave if GW got elected. They lied. Typical American Liberal Democrats! But you can have them right now!
OH! This is the ONLY part where you are CORRECT, Nancy.
Thank you, Nancy Drew! You were right, and I was in the wrong.
I was flirting a little. You called that one, sweetie. I won’t flirt with you, though.
Yes, to answer your question, my wife does know. I felt bad. So I told her. Sometimes I do bad things, Nancy… Kind of like when you slept with the whole football hockey team…
Feel free to attack my person. I never claimed to be perfect. Only amazingly intelligent, handsome, articulate and funny. I admit that I was intrigued by a liberal (fwd) that was:
A. Apparently intelligent (i.e. un-NancyDeadWood-like and rare) and
B. Has a sense of humor (again, un-deadhead-Nancyish like). And again, a trait very rare in a liberal. You kind of prove that point, Nance.
My lovely wife decided it did not reach the level of cheating.
I asked her to forgive me; she did.
I asked Jesus to forgive me; he did, too. Pretty sweet, huh?
For your edification, Nancy, I have been married for 15 years, and have never once cheated, other than playful banter, and lusting with my eyes (sorry, Jesus!). I guess that is notionally, though. Not like old Billy Clinton, who did not have sex! (That counts as sex in my house, Nance. No loop-holes here.)
Finally: NANCY!!! OMG! -Did you make that song up yourself?
That sucked so bad there is a vacuum in the 4 counties surrounding my house! It sucked so much that the tornado sirens went off!
I could write a better song than that when I’m drunk and bitching at a thong-panty-wearing Canadian on her period. Bring back Kim Mitchell, for cripes sake!
MAN THAT SUCKED! REALLY BAD. REALLY, REALLY BAD. REALLY… ah, you get it.
Holy crap, Nancy. Why not just quote a generic Rage Against the Machine song?
Here. Let me try…
Terrorists are nice
They are brown, so they get free reign
America sucks…
They’re too white
They’re too rich
They’re too mean…
War sucks…
Capitalism sucks…
Corporations suck…
Homeless people and ignorant college students ROCK! OHYEEEAAAHHH!
Thank yooooou, thank you verra much… (I’ll take my $100 million now – in American, not Canadian!!!)
Hey missus kickass GDP, would you rather have $100 million Canadian or American? Ever notice how bands that bitch about capitalism, large corporations, and big profits use capitalism and large corporations to reap big profits? That’s called IRONY.
WOW. Triumph, Max Webster, Rush, Kim Mitchell. That’s it. The best you ever had. Kind of sad. At least the socialist Brits had the metal invasion. WOO-HOO! IRON MAIDEN!
Do US fighter pilots jam to Aces High when they strafe-bomb commies and terrorists? I hope so!! I know I would! I think we should carpet-bomb someone every day!
Humo(u)r on a Scale of 1 to 10:
Nancy Deadpole: -7
CUG: 1,000,000+ YEAH! I kick your ass, Nancy Cesspool! Go home! You’re my biatch!
Ahem…Now I must go and kill innocents and steal their oil. Right after I drink this puppy-smoothie I just made. Mmmmm…..Huskey!
Oh, and regarding your second post:
Nobody likes you… Wah, Wah, Wah…Boo-hoo-hoo…
If fwd says don’t come back, I shant return. I don’t believe that is your call. I thoroughly enjoy fwd’s brain. A true minority of the lefties.
You however, Nancy, seem like a radical man-hating feminist. The only chick I listen to is my wife, because she is smarter than I, she is the boss, and she is a WAY better shot than I am. Chicks are allowed to own handguns here, Nancy. You should move here and vote Republican, and you could own a handgun, too. Oh, yeah. I also occasionally listen to Ann Coulter, if my wife says it’s ok.
Nancy, when you get a brain (are you the scarecrow?), please return; I will enjoy you, too. In the mean time, please feel free to chant inane slogans, and wave puppets and signs. It looks good on CBS.
Additionally, regarding the “in my language” comment, if you look closely at my site, there might be a F*** or something, but I try to keep the profanities to a minimum, and starred **** out, unless I am kicking a Nancy’s ASS!:) Is f*** off the best you can come up with after that huge rant? And then repeat it? Chicks! They just can’t cuss like us men.
Repeat after me: Humo(u)r, Humo(u)r, Humo(u)r… or
Serenity now, serenity now…
I will pray for you Nancy…You will probably have a change of heart after you bear children…
Damn! I talk more than Chatty Cathy and Nancy Cesspool combined!
CUG, theres no way on this green earth I'd ask you not to come back, hell I'm making you sign a year's lease.
Thanks FWD!
Sorry Nancy! I might just hang out for another posting or two, you wacky socialist.
Can you add something other than f*** off. It is getting a little stale. And apparently, someone wants me around. Just look at me like the court jester; the fool.
I wnt 2 be smmaat lyk yooo sumdaa, Nancy!
Oh yeah, you might want to go back and read my post, because I totally kicked your ass!!!!!! You have read my other stuff, why not this? C'mon Nancy, don't be a sissy.
By the by, I, as a dolt, can only find speak used as a noun when it is used as a suffix coupled with another word, by way of a hyphen. (e.g. New-speak, lawyer-speak, whiny-liberal-asshat-Nancy-speak).
Could you please post a hyper-linked reference, to show me otherwise?
I already checked dictionary.com, and Merriam Websters. I'm trying not to be so stupid anymore! But these language pro's are hiding facts that only you know, apparently!
Please use your HUGE brain to enlighten me.
Thanks much, Deadpole.
Hope you feel better:)!
FWD, thanks for keeping a stupid Christian around. At least we can be entertaining!!!
CUG
Please post the link.
Thanks.
CUG
Thanks tadpole!
You're funny.
What is your office job by the way? Hopefully not an editor, eh? :)
You have a great day:)
BTW - You started the mile-long rant.
Bless you!
I hold a belief that sparring is a much better work out than perpetual agreement. My worst nightmare would be to have a blog where everyone high fived everything I said, because quite frankly I pull a lot of shit out of my ass. My conviction's, however, are non waivering and steadfast. I will never agree with 90% of CUG's beliefs but he is a worthy oponent. Deadpool and I see things so alike, I sometimes think we were seperated at birth even though we've had our scrapping matches from time to time, I adore him.
I bow to no one nor do I ever expect anyone to bow to me.
I have read so many people's blogs and I for one can not sit through another person's rantings about having a bad day or being pissed off because their boyfriend just came in their mouth. I intend to raise this to a blood sport, with no prisoners taken and no quarter granted.
just to point out an historical fact that has been skewed, the "Soviets" don't exist anymore (remember the Berlin Wall and all that? somewhere around 1989?)
Penguins live at the South Pole, and last time I checked a world map, Canada's located slightly closer to the North Pole, so no, there are no penguins here (not counting those in zoos)
Oh, and in the form he's in right now, any drunk school-girl could whip Mike Tyson, regardless of her nationality. A torn miniscus will do that to anyone.
And I resent being called someone's minion. That just wasn't cool, dude. My first comment was a poke at humour toward Deadpool, a reference to a previous post of his, and had nothing to do with you, guy.
Captain, my Captain
I have no wish to enter into a battle of wits with this guy. My time is better spent preparing for exams. I just really despise being called someone's minion, and will always react when that happens.
Deadpool, it's high time we cleared out our bowels with a curry enima today. What say you?
Hi freudz wet dream, I was out surfing on the net looking for the lastest info on dream. Ok this post wasn't exactly what I was looking for but it got my attention and interest , now I see why I found your page when I was looking for dream anyway I'm glad I stopped by you have a great blog. Thanks for the read ...catch you later!
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