Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Jesus Built My Hotrod

It saddens me at times as to how shock resistant I have become in my old age. Perhaps it’s just that the world has become a highly predictable place where we can run wagers on things and be confidently called upon to bring us a high success rate of winning. Like when you see an extremely obese woman in sweat pants walking down the street, it almost always becomes a game of trying to guess how many mulatto children are trailing her and calling her mama or trying to guess at approximately what time a Watch Tower clutching Jehovah Witness is going to knock on your door on a Saturday morning. But when epitomizing a probability there is none more bankable than a Jesus Saves bumper sticker on the back of a rusty, piece of shit car. The Jesus Saves bumper sticker and piece of shit car theory has been ranked highest in the world, outweighing that of Pavlov’s dog and drool.

By using massively large-scale molecular dynamics simulations, physics show that
hyperelasticity, which stems from atoms interacting according to the laws of quantum mechanics actually preclude a Jesus Saves bumper stickers to adhere to Jaguars, Mercedes, or anything that looks like it can make it to the next block without burning at least two litres of oil.

It is now, without question that the salvation of mankind on the whole is greatly dependant a two toned 1973 primer Impala with duct tape holding the remains of what used to be the passenger side windows in place and 1/3 of it’s squared mass corroded to the point of resembling brown Victorian lace.

It is perplexing in today’s society to witness how much Jesus actually sucks at saving people. It would not be unreasonable for anyone to ask the question on whether he would possibly be better suited to another line of work, something clearly within the realms of his limitations. Each time I see anyone saved by Jesus, I feel eternally grateful that the guy has lost my phone number as I could never handle a life of misery and squalor. It is for this reason that I have become a devout Frisbeterian which is a sect in where we believe that when we die, our souls go up on the roof, and you can’t get it back down.

By observing physical anomalies in the Jesus Saves bumper sticker theory, we are able to conclude that anyone who has a profound aversion to Christianity, will one day, ultimately have their right hand grasping the smooth gear shift of a Dodge Viper SRT/10.

5 Comments:

Blogger gwen said...

It is almost as good as those people who say "Do you know if you have been saved" I remember when I was in high School and some of my friends would discuss who got saved that weekend. I love how religious fanatics hold that over people. Myself I was born and raised a bad cathloic.

1:04 PM  
Blogger freudz wet dream said...

You know Gwen, I have found that stating words like "I have taken Jesus in my heart as my personal savior" has been instrumental in scrapping undesirable people from underneath my shoe. I got rid of more stalkers that way than I care to mention.

1:28 PM  
Anonymous precise carnage said...

jesus christ, can you not just behave yourself?

6:16 PM  
Blogger gwen said...

I still laugh about the "God Warrior" on Trading Spouses, she was more of a warning than an enticement.

9:42 PM  
Blogger freudz wet dream said...

I made it a point to watch that actual eposide, although I'm ashamed to admit it. There was nothing wrong with that woman that a little lithium couln't cure.

8:40 AM  

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