Neutering your Dogma.
In the history of designing gods, I have never quite understood why the masses have always opted for a god which required servitude. As well, of all gods created, studies have shown 90% of mankind tend to lean towards inventing gods who insist on monogamy only to him. Cheating on him with another god is cause for swift justice. Islams and Christians created similar gods with several variations but Christians foolishly omitted the much coveted reward of 70 virgins in heaven. And while Christians show unfair favouritism towards virgins in the bible, their not stipulating the need for virgins in the afterlife indicates that they prefer a girl who can fuck as opposed to one who doesn’t know what she’s doing.
While many of the past designs of god are understandable such as , Shinto, Tao, Norse and even Santeria-Macumba, the creation of the God of Abraham is by far one of the greatest examples of what to avoid when creating a god. Bearing in mind that this particular god was created during the bronze age, where knowledge and rationality were virtually unheard of. For instruction and sound guidance for future creation of gods, observing the major shortfalls listed below will ensure that your god will not suffer the same inconveniences which the Christian god has fallen under:
- Never create a god who is jealous and insecure with himself. (ei: stay away from the temptation to have your god ask you to kill your kids to prove you’re crazy about him etc etc)
- Never create a god who does not know the basic principles of quantum physics, carbon dating, nuclear fission, or biology (Christians made this huge error when creating their god and have not been able to live this down, learn from their mistake)
- Never create a god who does not like sea-food (I don’t get it either)
- Never create a homophobic god (make sure the god you create is completely comfortable and secure with his sexuality)
- Never create a god who forgets what he wrote in the last chapter of his book and continuously contradicts himself (by avoiding this design flaw, you will run less risk of confusing people causing them to continuously second guess themselves and will increase the chances that your god can survive cross examination)
- Never create a god who should be charged for being AWOL (This will reduce the number of sceptics and nay-sayers sabotaging the integrity of your god)
- Never create a god who has women issues and a mother complex (unless of course you have women issues and mother complexes of your own)
- Never create a god who chooses to have his only kid splattered to save mankind. ( A simple way of avoiding this would be to have your god’s son beat Pharisees at a quick game of poker or an arm wrestle for the salvation of mankind. Remember to avoid all Drama queen tactics)
- Try and choose a god who when charging Moses to clear out cities and kill everything in his path, will not show favouritisms toward virgin girls in order for the boys in his holy platoon to just rape them afterwards anyway. (When ever possible, try to create a god who shows little or no favouritism to virgins. Although this seems difficult if not impossible it is a good practice to get into and will offer viable uses for women who have been deflowered and can possibly make the missionary position a thing of the past)
- Never create a god who has a jones for sacrifices ( The largest downfall of sacrifices is that they are impracticable and costly to carry out without creating either blood stains which are virtually impossible to remove from carpets and stone alters and are the major cause of temple fires)
- Never create a god that would attract undesirables like Adolf Hitler and people from any southern state. (it’s that whole guilty by association thing that could cause people to judge your god unfairly)
- Never create a blood thirsty god (The best way to understand how important this point is, is to actually refer to the holy bible to see what an incredible asshole you can create by making him enjoy violence)
- Never create a god who opposes masturbation (I don’t think this one needs too much explanation)
- Do promise a life ever after (This has been one selling feature that seems to work time and time again by many dogmas. Your god should provide a transient but pleasurable life on earth lasting on average of about 60 – 80 years as a preamble to their “real” life in an firmament of your choosing)
The above points should provide to you a good foundation in the design of your god. Be aware always that the competition on the god market is tough and many don’t survive. It must be said that when creating a god, it is an impossible undertaking to attract everyone, so select your real estate carefully and use some of the past gods that didn’t make it as they can offer some fundamental ideas to work frpm. The basic principles in the god creating industry is always this: When an individual finally understands why he dismisses all the hundreds of other possible gods on this earth, it is only then that he will understand why you dismiss his.
While many of the past designs of god are understandable such as , Shinto, Tao, Norse and even Santeria-Macumba, the creation of the God of Abraham is by far one of the greatest examples of what to avoid when creating a god. Bearing in mind that this particular god was created during the bronze age, where knowledge and rationality were virtually unheard of. For instruction and sound guidance for future creation of gods, observing the major shortfalls listed below will ensure that your god will not suffer the same inconveniences which the Christian god has fallen under:
- Never create a god who is jealous and insecure with himself. (ei: stay away from the temptation to have your god ask you to kill your kids to prove you’re crazy about him etc etc)
- Never create a god who does not know the basic principles of quantum physics, carbon dating, nuclear fission, or biology (Christians made this huge error when creating their god and have not been able to live this down, learn from their mistake)
- Never create a god who does not like sea-food (I don’t get it either)
- Never create a homophobic god (make sure the god you create is completely comfortable and secure with his sexuality)
- Never create a god who forgets what he wrote in the last chapter of his book and continuously contradicts himself (by avoiding this design flaw, you will run less risk of confusing people causing them to continuously second guess themselves and will increase the chances that your god can survive cross examination)
- Never create a god who should be charged for being AWOL (This will reduce the number of sceptics and nay-sayers sabotaging the integrity of your god)
- Never create a god who has women issues and a mother complex (unless of course you have women issues and mother complexes of your own)
- Never create a god who chooses to have his only kid splattered to save mankind. ( A simple way of avoiding this would be to have your god’s son beat Pharisees at a quick game of poker or an arm wrestle for the salvation of mankind. Remember to avoid all Drama queen tactics)
- Try and choose a god who when charging Moses to clear out cities and kill everything in his path, will not show favouritisms toward virgin girls in order for the boys in his holy platoon to just rape them afterwards anyway. (When ever possible, try to create a god who shows little or no favouritism to virgins. Although this seems difficult if not impossible it is a good practice to get into and will offer viable uses for women who have been deflowered and can possibly make the missionary position a thing of the past)
- Never create a god who has a jones for sacrifices ( The largest downfall of sacrifices is that they are impracticable and costly to carry out without creating either blood stains which are virtually impossible to remove from carpets and stone alters and are the major cause of temple fires)
- Never create a god that would attract undesirables like Adolf Hitler and people from any southern state. (it’s that whole guilty by association thing that could cause people to judge your god unfairly)
- Never create a blood thirsty god (The best way to understand how important this point is, is to actually refer to the holy bible to see what an incredible asshole you can create by making him enjoy violence)
- Never create a god who opposes masturbation (I don’t think this one needs too much explanation)
- Do promise a life ever after (This has been one selling feature that seems to work time and time again by many dogmas. Your god should provide a transient but pleasurable life on earth lasting on average of about 60 – 80 years as a preamble to their “real” life in an firmament of your choosing)
The above points should provide to you a good foundation in the design of your god. Be aware always that the competition on the god market is tough and many don’t survive. It must be said that when creating a god, it is an impossible undertaking to attract everyone, so select your real estate carefully and use some of the past gods that didn’t make it as they can offer some fundamental ideas to work frpm. The basic principles in the god creating industry is always this: When an individual finally understands why he dismisses all the hundreds of other possible gods on this earth, it is only then that he will understand why you dismiss his.
posted by freudz wet dream at 11:15 AM
3 Comments:
Never create a god that would attract undesirables like Adolph Hitler and people from any southern state.
Is Ohiya considered a souther state in Canadia (sic)?
Was Hitler from Alabama, or Florida? ;)
the accent had a hint of georgia. OK, so this is according to maps available in Canada only, but as far as we can make out, Ohio is a northern state. But you know....it's a canadian map...and theres's a ton of beer stains on it.
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