Eddie Vedder doesn’t know I’m alive

I have no idea how this happened in my life. Of all the silly little accomplishments I set out to do, Eddie never made the list. Alright, so it was an oversight on my part of enormous proportions especially when taking into account all the mental midgets I have had the misfortune of knowing in my life.

There should be a rule about being able to trade in 99.9% of the acquaintances a person has amassed in their lifetime for the one acquaintance they truly want. I have a list of about 748 window lickers, trainspotters, beta males and cement heads that should be reasonably tangible for one Eddie Vedder. I’m willing to negotiate anything that is brought to the offering table on this one.

Quest for facial bleach

good nail day

Kent Hovind: Quite possibly the greatest imbecile of our time

It’s interesting to live through such historical moments. Kent Hovind, Creationist at large, scores one for the other team each time he opens his mouth. We are the generation of people who are able to witness the unfurling of the dumbest creature to walk in an upright position. This is the only man alive that can make Bush look like he achieved a grade 3 education. The following is just a small dose of this man’s utter stupidity:

Hovind: "I teach physics. I know about the invert square law, particle attraction acceleration due to gravity"

Buddika: Invert_ square law? If he had not crowed, "I teach physics" immediately before it, I would have let this go, but any real physics teacher with an ounce of working gray matter would have called it the 'inverse square law'.

Hovind: "Dinosaurs were nothing more than giant lizards in the garden of Eden. Dinosaurs lived with Adam and Eve."

Buddika: There is no evidence whatsoever in the fossil record for dinosaurs alive a mere 4,000 years ago, or for dinosaurs cohabiting with humans, the majority of mammals or the majority of birds at any time in history. Dinosaurs are a specific group of (once-) living things. To call them lizards is to misrepresent them.

Hovind: "The textbooks state that one of the evidences is homology structures. Homology structures, what does that mean?"

Buddika: It doesn't mean anything because it is lousy grammar, and if Hovind really was an honest PhD, he would know this. What he means is 'homologous' structures. Such structures exhibit homology.

Hovind: "The DNA found in you body is also extremely complex. Because it is smaller does not mean it is simpler."

Buddika: Four bases, sugar, phosphate; how much simpler can it be? If god made DNA from scratch, perfectly, how come there is so much duplication and junk in it? Evolution explains this completely - it's precisely what you would expect to find if we evolved. The creationist camp can only explain it by their god's incompetence.

Hovind: "Evolution is largely responsible for what happened to the Indians."

Buddika: "Origin" was published a full 20 years after the Nunadautsunt. That's pretty good that Darwin managed to force something to happen 20 years before the book which caused it was published....

Hovind: "There would not be communism in Russia today if had not been for Charles Darwins book on evolution."

Buddika: I am not even going to dignify this with a longer response.

Hovind: "He wrote the book Mein Kampf. You ought to read Mein Kampf and see how many times Hitler refers to racial crossing, superior races, or higher races. The major theme of the book is Germans are a superior race."

Buddika: You ought to read it. For once, take Hovind's advice and do please read Mein Kampf. In it, you will see that Hitler believed he was doing God's work in destroying the Jews. It had nothing to do with evolution. The Catholic Church, even at the height of the atrocities, never excommunicated Hitler, nor spoke out against his activities.

I strongly recommend this entire essay for reading, It's absolutely brilliant:

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Pier/1766/hovindlies/

This tool is actually teaching physics to kids. I’d rather have my kid share a one room flat with Sid and Nancy than have this moron within a stone’s throw of him. His alleged degree is from a Diploma Mill from some bible school if bum fuck USA, that is not recognized anywhere on the face of the earth.

I’m sure if Darwin had ever met people in the ranks of Hovind, Behe, and Dembski, he’d have probably shredded his thesis and take up wood working instead as these morons are so backwards they predate the Cambrian Explosion.

The Creation of God

Creationists: Let’s line the fuckers up, and shoot the fuckers down

So I grew up Catholic….told from the earliest age I can remember that humans were created from a clump of dirt and that the earth was about 6,000 years old, the great flood and all the rest of it. I remember from as early as grade three that this didn’t sound right. The glaring inconsistencies began to make me think that I just wasn’t getting it. If I asked for further explanation, Sister Evelyn would begin speaking to me in one of her more her condescending tones “And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed fire into his nostrils the breath of life. I was trying to wrap my 7 year old mind around that, what the hell else could I do, I was the only idiot in the class who didn’t get it.

Sister Evelyn continued: “And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” I looked on both sides of my desk to see how the other 7 year olds were absorbing all this, I could see no fellow panicked faces. She pressed on “And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.” (I know this is really dry shit) “And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him”. Ok so I finally put up my hand and asked what a help meet was. Sister Evelyn’s vein looked like it was going to explode (I really don’t think she liked me) “A help meet is a mate, God finally created Eve for Adam after that from his rib” Huh? God, who is supposed to be infinitely wise and inerrant and all that shit thought of animals before he thought of a woman? With the mystery of the Scottish and Sheep misunderstanding taken care of I was left stunned. The only thing I could figure out at 7 years old was that I was either really stupid for not understanding this, or I was really smart for not buying it. But since I was doing so lousy in math I didn’t believe the latter was plausible so for the first 13 years of my life I considered myself mentally challenged.

There are no answers to be found when you’re a kid, you have to blindly accept the bullshit your teachers, priests and parents tell you. Evolution was a dirty word in Catholic school and the first time I asked about it in grade 5 I got sent to the principals office and was given two detentions. “We did not come from Monkey’s where did you learn that filth?” That was the principal who asked me that, but it was pretty much Sister Evelyn’s question verbatim. “I just think it makes more sense to be related to a monkey than to a clump of dirt.” I remember telling her and then as though begging her to at least think about it’s plausibility I said “Can’t you see it?”. It was the last time I said the word Monkey until I reached high school. My mother was called and that night I had to listen to her piss and moan all through supper about my going to hell and never being able to marry a nice catholic boy (I did mention I was 7 right?).

While I don’t claim to have any formal education in science, I do claim to have the capacity for reason and rational thought. Further to the point I have researched scientist’s work for years to support and strengthen my beliefs. In short, it is not necessary for me to know how to make a watch in order to tell time. With the evidence that is available to us today applied to science we know beyond reasonable doubt that the Great Flood could not have happened, that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old as opposed to the 6,000, and the sun is not burning, Sister Evelyn, it is undergoing nuclear fusion you stupid bitch.

Woof!

The Great Pit Bull Debate.

This debate over pit bulls has me a little puzzled. I have read the stories: Pit Bull attacks young boy, two pit bulls attack man, three pit bulls leave girl in hospital with 2 gazillion stitches, the list is endless. In truth, I believe pit bulls have some serious issues that whole grinding of the teeth on your flesh thing for instance is unnerving.

I’m not a fan of pit bulls, no matter how nice looking of a dog they are. What I really find repulsive though are their owners which really begs the question: Do you ‘have’ to be crack peddling, grade 8 dropout, welfare recipient to own a pit bull, or can you just look one? I mean, let’s be honest here, every time you see a pit bull on TV that has just chewed the face off a 3 year old kid, at the other end of that leash is the hand of a person who looks like he hasn’t bathed in 6 months and spends his entire welfare cheques on tattoos and face piercing. You just never hear the words “Dr Jones, why did your pit pull mangle that kid?”

Pit bulls have become the official dog of the drug dealer and trailer park dwellers. I can see why though, it’s a little difficult to maintain that bad ass image with a poodle or shitzu and you know the story, it’s all in the image. The sad part of it is, that when these dogs do attack, the poor shmuck can’t really sue the owners because….well, lets just face it, the guy hasn’t got a pot to piss in. The best a guy can hope for is a Jack Daniels mirror and a 1973 CCM ten speed in an out of court settlement.

I’ve heard outrageous comments like, ‘the owner should be shot’. Which is rather harsh to say the least. Sadly, you just can’t go around shooting people anymore. euthanization is by far the most humane and compassionate way to deal with the problem. I’ve done some mad science and calculations and have found that by tripling the dose of Dibucaine with the added agent of Pentobarbital you can put a Pit Bull owner out of his misery and save taxpayers a shitload of money in welfare payments. This should appeal to everyone on many levels. Killing the dog really doesn’t fix the problem, because lets be honest, he’s just going to buy another dog with his next welfare cheque anyway, or just double his crack sales that week. By putting the Pit Bull owner to sleep the Province will gain hectares of land which once were trailer parks that housed these dickwads, crack will be off the streets, a 20% hike in federal cash flow freed up by what once went to social services. Tattoo parlors will take a loss buy hey, it’s an imperfect world.

The time is nigh to kill all these old people behind the wheel

At approximately 7:30 last night (Eastern Time or 022330Z for you technical people) I found myself up the ass of a Cadilac DeVille that came out of nowhere while I was driving down a thoroughfare. What I noticed immediately was that this bastard had cut me off two weeks prior coming out of a shopping mall. Now I'm not sure whether this guy is legally blind or is just too fucking old to care if he lives or dies and I really don't give a shit which it is.

I do think that once someone reaches a certain age they should be administered driving tests which will weed out terminally senile people to keep our roads safe and unincumbered for the less dangerous Drunk Driver's of the world. Anyone over the age of dirt should be made to do handstands, walk a tightrope without a safety net or at the very least be made to find his dick with his own two hands.

Now, Im not insensitive to the plight of the old, I understand that a right turn on a red light in a vehicle the size of Oprahs Ass (during hiatus)is a difficult maneuver for some of these senior citizens so for that reason I kept my road rage in check and withheld my urge to follow him home and thump him on the side of the head and leave him at the side of his driveway for dead.

I have, for the above reasons, left explicit intructions for my kid to shoot me in my bed when I am too old to cross a street under 27 minutes and attempt to stick my key in the ignition.