Freudz Tales of Mystery and Imagination

Once upon a Liberal riding, while I vote the one I’m siding
Over many a quaint and curious scandals of financial lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my hallway door.
" Jehovah Witness," I muttered, "tapping at my hallway door;
Only this and nothing more

Ah, distinctly, my detection, t'was the time for new election,
And each separate dying Grit wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my tax return of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Trudeau,.
For the dead and stiff PM, whom the angels call Treudea.,
Nameless here forever more.

And the clumsy sad incumbent, push agendas too repugnant
bored me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the rising of my tax bracket without reprising
'Tis some shelter I may swelter, that I may no more adore,
Some late tax break, now entreating entrance at my accountant’s door.
This it is and nothing more.

Presently my soul grew weaker; for fear secular times grow bleaker,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was thinking, while you gently thrust your dick in,
to the country I love dearly, that I have been calling home,
That I thought I heard your bible, carving laws so old and tribal, putting freedom in it it’s tomb
darkness there, you little gnome.

Deep into the darkness peering, at the gay laws, now we’re fearing
Doubting, that they’ll miss the cleaver, of Harpers fundamental fever ;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the spoken word Trudeau
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,
"Trudeau who" and nothing more

"Harper!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, you are a weasel!
Please don’t fuck with legislations that have been fought and won before,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this northern land enchanted--
On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Will you leave this greatest nation, secular to avoid damnation tell me--tell me I implore!"
Quoth Steve Harper, "Nevermore."

Passion 

Neutering your Dogma.

In the history of designing gods, I have never quite understood why the masses have always opted for a god which required servitude. As well, of all gods created, studies have shown 90% of mankind tend to lean towards inventing gods who insist on monogamy only to him. Cheating on him with another god is cause for swift justice. Islams and Christians created similar gods with several variations but Christians foolishly omitted the much coveted reward of 70 virgins in heaven. And while Christians show unfair favouritism towards virgins in the bible, their not stipulating the need for virgins in the afterlife indicates that they prefer a girl who can fuck as opposed to one who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

While many of the past designs of god are understandable such as , Shinto, Tao, Norse and even Santeria-Macumba, the creation of the God of Abraham is by far one of the greatest examples of what to avoid when creating a god. Bearing in mind that this particular god was created during the bronze age, where knowledge and rationality were virtually unheard of. For instruction and sound guidance for future creation of gods, observing the major shortfalls listed below will ensure that your god will not suffer the same inconveniences which the Christian god has fallen under:


- Never create a god who is jealous and insecure with himself. (ei: stay away from the temptation to have your god ask you to kill your kids to prove you’re crazy about him etc etc)

- Never create a god who does not know the basic principles of quantum physics, carbon dating, nuclear fission, or biology (Christians made this huge error when creating their god and have not been able to live this down, learn from their mistake)

- Never create a god who does not like sea-food (I don’t get it either)

- Never create a homophobic god (make sure the god you create is completely comfortable and secure with his sexuality)

- Never create a god who forgets what he wrote in the last chapter of his book and continuously contradicts himself (by avoiding this design flaw, you will run less risk of confusing people causing them to continuously second guess themselves and will increase the chances that your god can survive cross examination)

- Never create a god who should be charged for being AWOL (This will reduce the number of sceptics and nay-sayers sabotaging the integrity of your god)

- Never create a god who has women issues and a mother complex (unless of course you have women issues and mother complexes of your own)

- Never create a god who chooses to have his only kid splattered to save mankind. ( A simple way of avoiding this would be to have your god’s son beat Pharisees at a quick game of poker or an arm wrestle for the salvation of mankind. Remember to avoid all Drama queen tactics)

- Try and choose a god who when charging Moses to clear out cities and kill everything in his path, will not show favouritisms toward virgin girls in order for the boys in his holy platoon to just rape them afterwards anyway. (When ever possible, try to create a god who shows little or no favouritism to virgins. Although this seems difficult if not impossible it is a good practice to get into and will offer viable uses for women who have been deflowered and can possibly make the missionary position a thing of the past)

- Never create a god who has a jones for sacrifices ( The largest downfall of sacrifices is that they are impracticable and costly to carry out without creating either blood stains which are virtually impossible to remove from carpets and stone alters and are the major cause of temple fires)

- Never create a god that would attract undesirables like Adolf Hitler and people from any southern state. (it’s that whole guilty by association thing that could cause people to judge your god unfairly)

- Never create a blood thirsty god (The best way to understand how important this point is, is to actually refer to the holy bible to see what an incredible asshole you can create by making him enjoy violence)

- Never create a god who opposes masturbation (I don’t think this one needs too much explanation)

- Do promise a life ever after (This has been one selling feature that seems to work time and time again by many dogmas. Your god should provide a transient but pleasurable life on earth lasting on average of about 60 – 80 years as a preamble to their “real” life in an firmament of your choosing)


The above points should provide to you a good foundation in the design of your god. Be aware always that the competition on the god market is tough and many don’t survive. It must be said that when creating a god, it is an impossible undertaking to attract everyone, so select your real estate carefully and use some of the past gods that didn’t make it as they can offer some fundamental ideas to work frpm. The basic principles in the god creating industry is always this: When an individual finally understands why he dismisses all the hundreds of other possible gods on this earth, it is only then that he will understand why you dismiss his.

Dear readers, this is our new prime minister, I'm going to curl up in the fetal position and wait until he's gone. Someone wake me up when it's over 

Things the FDA Never Talks About

Jesus Built My Hotrod

It saddens me at times as to how shock resistant I have become in my old age. Perhaps it’s just that the world has become a highly predictable place where we can run wagers on things and be confidently called upon to bring us a high success rate of winning. Like when you see an extremely obese woman in sweat pants walking down the street, it almost always becomes a game of trying to guess how many mulatto children are trailing her and calling her mama or trying to guess at approximately what time a Watch Tower clutching Jehovah Witness is going to knock on your door on a Saturday morning. But when epitomizing a probability there is none more bankable than a Jesus Saves bumper sticker on the back of a rusty, piece of shit car. The Jesus Saves bumper sticker and piece of shit car theory has been ranked highest in the world, outweighing that of Pavlov’s dog and drool.

By using massively large-scale molecular dynamics simulations, physics show that
hyperelasticity, which stems from atoms interacting according to the laws of quantum mechanics actually preclude a Jesus Saves bumper stickers to adhere to Jaguars, Mercedes, or anything that looks like it can make it to the next block without burning at least two litres of oil.

It is now, without question that the salvation of mankind on the whole is greatly dependant a two toned 1973 primer Impala with duct tape holding the remains of what used to be the passenger side windows in place and 1/3 of it’s squared mass corroded to the point of resembling brown Victorian lace.

It is perplexing in today’s society to witness how much Jesus actually sucks at saving people. It would not be unreasonable for anyone to ask the question on whether he would possibly be better suited to another line of work, something clearly within the realms of his limitations. Each time I see anyone saved by Jesus, I feel eternally grateful that the guy has lost my phone number as I could never handle a life of misery and squalor. It is for this reason that I have become a devout Frisbeterian which is a sect in where we believe that when we die, our souls go up on the roof, and you can’t get it back down.

By observing physical anomalies in the Jesus Saves bumper sticker theory, we are able to conclude that anyone who has a profound aversion to Christianity, will one day, ultimately have their right hand grasping the smooth gear shift of a Dodge Viper SRT/10.

People for the Exploitive Torment of Advancement

Officials have indicated that the medical term ‘waste of skin’ is a medical expression used to elucidate the existence of members of PETA. In studying the habits and rituals of these creatures, scientists have revealed that ‘waste of skin’ (WOS) was the only term they could come up with which best describes this tribe of hypocrites and alarmists.

While PETA militantly protests animal testing, Mary Beth Sweetland, director of PETA, is herself a diabetic who uses insulin derived from livestock pancreas every day in order to sustain life, not to mention that her insulin is the direct result of animal testing. I suppose the English language needs to find a new word defining that level of hypocrisy but to date, scholars can only suggest to use any adjectives in front of the word hypocrite until it elevates it to the level to best describes Mary Beth.

She isn’t the only PETA member reaping the harvest of animal testing as any medication or medical procedure used today required a great deal of animal testing in order for it to exist. We can pretend that no member of member PETA has taken any medication of any sort or had any medical procedure carried out on them or their loved ones, but who the hell are we kidding?

The irony of all this is that due to the success of animal testing, 50% of PETA members would have died long ago from any number of nasty diseases, so that’s ultimately where science has failed mankind at large. Instead, PETA is able to enjoy the opulence of modern day science in one breath, and indefatigably protest and sabotage it in another.

What a lot of people don’t understand about the field of science and medical development is that in order to find cures for diseases, healthy specimens are needed and must be subjected to the disease in order to monitor the development of that disease. To use sick people to find cures doesn’t cut it, and the number of healthy humans volunteering to being pumped full diseases from Polio to AIDs has been lacking as of late. My suggestion of replacing the lab rodents with PETA members in order to further science has not been addressed by either PETA or the scientific community thus far.


One of the most disturbing exploits PETA raised was in February 2003, when they ran a campaign, called “Holocaust on your Plate” where they showed photos of Holocaust victims about to be gassed next to a pen full of pigs along with approximately 60 similar comparisons. I can’t even find the words to express how callous and repellent the very concept of that is, making PETA no better than the Nazis themselves who compared Jews to pigs during the reign of the Third Reich. Irony upon irony upon irony circles PETA like buzzards circle a cadaver.

While I like animals as much as the next person, I am intelligent enough to understand where I am in the pecking order in relation to animals.
Humans are omnivores by their very makeup, and if members of PETA wish to survive on alfalfa sprouts and okra, I raise a glass to them and toast their health. Torching labs, sabotaging science, and stirring violence against others is
PETAs hallmark, as these morons have no interest in humanity outside of their own.